I feel behind in life compared to my counterparts who never went to college or who did not choose a four year track.

While I'm completely broke and jobless, I have no car, I literally have nothing but on top of that I have 25k in school debt.

"Go to college," they say. "You'll be ahead of everyone," they say.

Everyone I know who didn't go to college have found careers, not jobs, but careers. They have money, they have the ability to purchase new cars, and clothes and food, and things they want. For goodness sake my sister makes more than my mama!

I know I don't know everyone's story, but everyone around is certainly looking well off than I am.

I feel so behind. Like a loser and a failure.

I graduate college in 2 months and it's hard for me to be happy. I don't even have a freakin' plan after school.

Ugh, and now I feel like a stupid brat for crying and complaining.

I became a pessimist when...

I became a pessimist when I realized everyone else has my happily ever after and I always fall short of my own little dream.

I became a pessimist when life gave me a contact high of privileges and opportunities, yet snatched them out of my eager hands.

I became a pessimist when the way he spoke of my existence scared any chance for butterflies to perch on my esophagus. If there is a chance in hell one could fall in love with me... well sometime's I want to jump in the fire. To allow the feeling in my chest to engulf my entire being.

I became a pessimist when my own reflection was an unfamiliar face. Her wired hair and scarred face reflected her heart more than the mirror.

I became a pessimist when I realized somethings are just too good to be true.

"Reminded of the love we had."

My ex boyfriend--you know, the guy who swept me off my feet in high school and broke my heart thereafter? Yeah, that ex boyfriend-- came to visit.

Parted August 2010. Met and conversed October 2011. Ran into each other June 2013. Came over December 2013. Was I shocked? Sure. Was I happy to see him? Of course. But I couldn't figure out why.

For the hours that led to his arrival I was like a giddy school girl that wanted to strangle the rowdy butterflies in her stomach. "I'll let you know when I''m close." What do I wear?? "I'm ten minutes way." Okay, play it cool, but casual. *takes deep breath* While trying to contain my composure and keep the butterflies from escaping my throat, it hit me: Your first love will always be your first love.

That cannot be undone and taken away.

Over the past few years I have envisioned someday being together again. "We just needed time apart. We simply needed to grow separately to grow together again," were my hopeful thoughts on the matter.

Over the past few years I've tried to disregard how I might possibly have felt about him. When his name came up I tried not smile. When I ran into him in the mall I wanted to run behind the nearest kiosk from bashfulness and the fear of my red flushed skin. When a mutual friend would give me the 411 on his life, I tried to pretend that I didn't care, but all the more keeping a keen ear.

3pm to 10pm. 7 hours of catching up. 7 hours of laughing.

There were times of silence and times of awkwardness, but there were also times of reflecting, going down memory lane, and learning about the person we used to love 3 years prior.

The person that we used to love.
Reminded of the love we had.

As I watched him walk to the same car I rode shotgun in for 365 days, I remembered why we fell in love.
But it wasn't the same. 

"I felt everything, yet felt nothing."

Sneak Peek | Engagement Shoot 2013

My very good friends are engaged and I accompanied them during their engagement shoot. I felt like an intern: running to the car, writing Save the Dates, carrying the bags and blankets, helping with clothes changes, and fixing any stray hair that dared to come out of place, and I loved every moment of it.

Now I know the title says "Sneak Peek," but I must be a bit egotistical here. Helping with the photo-shoot made me realize how much I love helping others and being behind the scenes. Granted there were a few times when I wished I were the one either in front of the camera or holding the camera, but being behind the camera isn't that bad. To know that I could contribute in such minor ways to a bigger picture is enough. 

I don't think people fully realize that a big screen movie is more than the star actors, the director, and the camera guy (or gal). The credits, that no one truly pays attention to, are the real stars of the show because without every single name that scrolls by, that movie would not be possible. That's how life works.

Every person that comes into your life makes it possible. Of course the mastermind, aka Jehovah, orchestrates every person and event that takes place. We simply cannot see the bigger picture of our own lives let alone someone else's. You play a small role in someone's life that makes it grand. You may have said a few words, walked by, or simply being yourself from a distance and they heard or saw. You contributed to their life and you have no idea.

They have no idea.
We have no idea.

As you go on living your life, believe that everything you do, intentionally or unintentionally, is a part of a larger picture much greater than yourself. Even if no one ever sees your face or mentions your name, you helped make it possible. God chose you to help mold someone's life and others have been chosen to do that same for you. Life is amazing huh?

Now back to the the sneak peek:

Sister Act

Being in a state of cognitive dissonance is irritating. I know exactly what I need to do, but I don't do them. Shoot, I don't even do the things that I want to do, except for Netflix and food. That's what my life has become and I hate it, but what do I do day after day? Spend countless hours doing useless things. I guess I don't want those things bad enough or I would have done them by now.  

"If you wanna be somebody,

and you wanna go somewhere.

you better wake up and pay attention."

I want to be somebody and I know exactly what I need to do in order to become that person. I'm done with the foolishness, the laziness, the excuses, and even the moping when someone else gets what I want when they put in the time and energy to actually get it. I'm done with it all.

It's time for this sister to get her act together. 

Click Play

Little Drummer Boy

RE: Good Enough

“You are enough.
Paint it on your mirrors,
on the back of your eyelids,
drown it in your stomach,
sing it in every word you say.
You are never too much.
Eat your food,
sleep eight hours,
walk like you love yourself.
You are enough.
Say it in your sleep,
mantras to carry you through your day.
There is never enough of you.
You are a thirst that is never quenched.
I crave you when you’re away.
I love every piece of you.
But I cannot make you love yourself.”
— Michelle K., You Are Enough.

Good Enough.

I don't feel beautiful enough.
I don't feel smart enough.
I don't feel interesting enough.
I don't feel funny enough.

I don't feel feminine enough.

I don't feel kind enough.
I don't feel mature enough.
I don't feel good enough.

I don't feel like I have what it takes for any one man to want to pursue me, and only me.

I see other women and can't help but think about their outstanding qualities.

I just don't feel like a guy thinks I'm entirely worth it.

I watch what I say. What I do. In fear of running someone away.

I usually always regret talking...to anyone.

I just want a man to want me. I want him to say "Whatever it takes, I want to get to know her. No one else, but her."

I just want to feel special.

Worth it.

*I feel the need to elaborate, but I don't feel the need to explain myself.

Encourage yourself.

Wrap your arms around your body 

and whisper in your ear,

"There is no one on this world like you.

No one can ever replace you."

Now place your hand on your heart.

"You feel that? It's called life.

It's called purpose."

Look into your eyes.

"If there is something you need to be sure of, know that 

you have been, you are, and you will always be,

Loved."

Sit down next to yourself.

Hold your hand.

Close your eyes.

"What you think you knew about yourself,

doesn't matter.

I think the world of you."

Cry on your shoulder.

"I love you."

I finally stopped questioning God's love for me.

From then on, I questioned love for myself.

Sometimes I don't want a heart as big as mine.

It hurts too much.

little baptist church.

A few weeks ago I left the comfort of the pews of my church home, and my family and I visited another church on the other side of town. I was apprehensive to leave what was familiar to me. I didn't want to leave the music, screens, digital announcements, or having to get up in order to give tithes. I didn't want sit in a church where I didn't know anyone or listen to the sermon of another pastor of whom I knew nothing about. 

The small baptist church was located in the middle of residential homes that were built several decades earlier. The yard was small, but held a large white cross right next to the sign. As we entered, it immediately reminded me of the small baptist churches I grew up in. It felt very...homey, to say the least.

Music bounced off of the cinder block walls as the worship team shouted in praise. The songs most certainly took me back to the days of laying in mama's lap as she rocked back and fourth to the rhythm. Songs like "More Than Anything", "Lord, I Lift Your Name on High", "Grateful",  "Total Praise," and the hand clapping toe tapping "Souled Out." I felt so grounded and began to cry tears of pure love, gratitude, and humility.

Chris, a young church member, did the announcements and expressed his love for his ministry with tears as well. Two young men moved a large wooden podium with "Tithes" etched in the grain and sat it next to the plastic fern plants and electric candles that most black churches are all too familiar with. As the music started, each member walked to the front of the sanctuary to honor God with their finances.

After service, of which there were baptisms, everyone talked and fellowshiped. There was laughter and tears. Everyone's name was known. They were figuring out who was cooking or where to eat. Watching after each others children while they didn't worry about who had theirs. They were truly what you would call a church family.

There were no fancy lights, no large screen to display lyrics or verses, no special bags or plates to collect offering, no stage for the worship team. They had what they had, and were happy. No complaints.

It reminded me of the problem of American Christianity: we get too comfortable with the theatrics of the church, but always wanting more.

I'll never forget where I came from. It's humbly and I take God for Him taking me to that little baptist church in the middle of humble homes.

Romans 1:20 NKJV

"For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse."

I often see God in the things around me (e.g. my rainbow and construction posts). This morning I woke up to check on my wounded succulent and see how the rest were doing. As I looked at the leaves that are in the process of propagation, I was in awe. My God. He created this process, not just with plants, but with His people. Propagation is the spreading of something, usually a belief or practice, into new regions (Princeton). That's what He wants His people to do: make disciples of the whole world.

So first I'm in awe that He can make a new plant, one that can grow many feet tall, out of a tiny leaf. (Sounds like David and Goliath huh? The smallest thing/person can have the largest impact.) Second, He just taught me a lesson about the Great Commission, and how we are without excuse.

Lastly, you see the leaf in the middle? The one with the biggest stem. Well that little guy was the one I neglected. I left him in a box somewhere, and tended to the other leaves. A few weeks later I found him in the box already sprouting roots while the others were not. He's definitely my miracle baby, ahead of the pack. Sometimes it's the ones that we overlook or disqualify, that have the most potential. God is so good.

Atlanta Botanical Garden