The Rising of the Son

Today I learned that the sun shines at 6 am. I pity all the days I have wasted in bed well past the rising of the sun. Guilt rushed over me the moment I realized everyone around me was awake, starting their morning routines, dragging themselves to work, knowing that will be the only sun some of them will see before their commute back home.

The days when I could barely wake up or barely get out of bed, the rays were welcoming me with open arms. My blinds and thick dark curtains reject them, but my mind refused to face the day.

There were mornings that I never got to see transition into noon. The stillness of the world was not felt. And the silence was not appreciated. It is at this time that my soul is at peace, and rarely does my spirit get nourished my the sole presence of God.

No wonder people wake up at daybreak to kneel before His throne. No wonder His children sought Scripture to give solace to their spirits. I have found it to be the only time of day when we can meet Jesus face to face, before we swiftly join the ranks of those with fast paces and busy schedules.

Life After College [I]

Today marks exactly one month since I became a college graduate and transitioned into the "real world" (as if the world I've been a part of for the past twenty-two years has been a fantasy world).

Honestly not much as changed, and this stasis has launched me into a state of depression. Not chronic depression that I've experienced in former seasons of my life, but atypical depression; a direct response to events. When I was younger I always assumed my life would be exciting and a bit more "adult-like." Staying at my mama's house, spending the entire day alone, and thinking about that four year degree, but not actually using it, was not how I envisioned my 22nd year of life.

I've realized that college can only do a fraction of what you can do for your own future. Meaning, you may work four years (or more) for a degree, but it doesn't get you the job. It doesn't make you an adult or any more responsible than you require of yourself. It doesn't make life after college glamorous. Only you can do that. My lack of transportation is a bit of a hindrance, but I've decided to make the best of my solitude. There are plenty of things I can do to kick start my own life, so that when I'm blessed with transportation of my own, my plan will already be secure and the world will truly be my oyster.

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"We are programmed to focus on what we don't have [...].
This dissatisfaction transfers over to our thinking about God.
We forget that we already have everything we need in Him.
Because we don't often think about the reality of who God is,
we quickly forget that He is worthy to be worshiped and loved."
Francis Chan - Crazy Love

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 Whether I am out working a nine to five job or spending the entire day indoors, I want to take this life that God has given me and make the best of it. I will rejoice always. Focusing merely on what I do not have and my current position does not prioritize how glorious and good God is despite my situation. God is always worthy of praise. God is always worthy of worship. By centering my attention on my needs, I make them an idol and a god in my life. I began to worship the things I could not obtain, by putting those thoughts before the Lords.

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I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.
I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation,
whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
Philippians 4:12

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Life after college started off a bit rough, but I'm completely willing to learn from this experience. If this is the life God has for me at the moment in order to grow content and grow spiritually, than so be it. Who am I to complain when I serve the God of the galaxies, the Beginning and the End, the Alpha and Omega, and the great I AM. Thank God for growth after college and until the end of time.

Love is Like an Orange [II]

Love is like an orange. It's impossible to describe the aroma and difficult to explain the taste. Until you scratch the surface, you'll never know the zest of the scent. Until you peel the layers, you'll never know how sweet it is. No one can experience it for you. The moment you are familiar with an orange, you'll forever know one even with your eyes closed. You take a deep breath and you know it's love.

YHWH

22

I find it hard to find meaning in birthdays.
I believe in the necessity to celebrate ones life, but, for me,
it's less of a celebration and more of a reminder.
I'm a year older, but nothing has changed. Nothing.
I have reached major milestones in my life, yet,
nothing has changed. And I can't help but focus on them.
I can't help but think about everything I have not done,
and everything I need to do by this time next year.
Thank God I've made it to another year,
but I thank God more for the 365 days that got me here.
Seeing another year is not an achievement when I've survived the previous days.
Thank God I woke up day after day after day.
Thank God for those days when nothing truly happened.
For days when I hate the rain and days when I'm dancing in it.
For days when I didn't know what I was going to eat,
and days when my belly had an abundance.
Thank God for the days when I didn't think I would make it out of the bed.
For days when I need to send a letter, buy pens, and shave.
Days when I run from wasps and welcome butterflies.
Days when I'm cleaning a bedroom so calamitous
that I fall asleep in the middle of the floor...with the light still on.
Days when I can't stand to see myself in the mirror,
and days I admire the imperfections of my skin.
Thank God for the ordinary days that turn into another year.
Thank God for the unforgettable days woven in between.
And at this very moment, I think I found the meaning in birthdays.
Happy Birthday to me. Thank God for another year.

We spend hours in the mirror, staring ourselves in the eyes, examining our hair, touching our skin, lips, and nose, but we don't know our own features.

We don't know what we truly look like.

"People empty me. I have to get away to refill." 

- Charles Bukowski

Worthy

Trying to understand an indescribable God.
He loves us despite who we are.
We love Him because of what He's done.
I don't think we can honestly say we love God unconditionally.

So many times I take a step back from my own life,
and I look at all the things I was blind to otherwise.
I am in complete awe that a perfect God
has blessed me beyond measure.

I'm never worthy.
He's always trustworthy.

Learning to be Last

Slam poets and spoken words artists have always inspired me to not only become a better writer, but also a performer. I desired to bring my words alive and truly make it an art form that I can share with others. A few months ago a man from Southern Word, a Nashville based literary and performance arts organization, introduced me to a world that I had been so intrigued with for years. A world that my laptop screen separated me from as I watched Brave New Voices on YouTube all hours of the night. A world that I admired, but dared not step into.

Until now...

"Letters to a Young Poet" | Rainer Maria Rilke

National Poetry Month 2014

For most people the first day of April signifies a day devoted to dunce caps and droll jokes. For others, it is the beginning of National Poetry Month: 30 days of celebrating poets, self proclaimed and well known, and the poetry that comes alive through them.

Time for Change.

//It's time for a change.

Today I got hit with a brick

And...I'm trying to recover from that awful blow.

It weighs twenty one years and nine months worth of thoughts and wrapped in pieces of words sprawled across magazine covers and repeated on the t.v. screens. I for one do not own a television, but their agenda reaches my mind anyhow. More than five thousand blows against my weak heart.

Today I realized how much I hate certain things about myself. So much so that I don't think I can find a single thing that I at least like, let alone love.

Today I actually cried because I did not look like the girl I was stalking on Instagram. I could not believe what my heart was telling me at the moment. Alone in my yellow room, I embarrassed myself.

Today I realized how much I really didn't want to be me. I wanted her hair, her clothes, her words, and even her personality. I wanted to be pieces of women whom I've never met.

I don't really know who I am. I don't know what I enjoy. I don't know what makes me the happiest girl in the world. I don't know if what upsets me actually upsets me because I feel that way or because that's how I think I'm supposed to feel. I'm not sure if I love the company of others or desire to be alone forever. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't know if I hate chocolate anymore. I mean...it's good on strawberries, but do I actually like chocolate? I don't know why I don't really care about much, and that makes me upset. Or does it? I want to care about something! I care about succulents. I love succulents. That's all. I don't love anything else.

I don't care about owning pets one day. Dogs are cool. Cats are alright. But they don't mean anything to me. I don't think I have a favorite color any longer. It's just a freaking color.

What the heck am I talking about and who the heck am I?

Ugh.  Now that that's out of the way.

I'm about to change all of that! I want to be me: a me that I love and enjoy. A me who knows exactly who she is and what she likes. And finally be the me. The me that I truly am to my core, but I have to dig deep and find me. (I'll let God do the diggin'.)

Because of how I've been feeling lately, I said "Heck no!" and the following tweets are a result of the inner snap.

if you don't like something about yourself, then change it!

— Danierykah Badu (@thatgirlshel) March 12, 2014

if you can't change it, then focus on what you love about yourself!

— Danierykah Badu (@thatgirlshel) March 12, 2014

suffocate and drown self hate in a sea of love.

— Danierykah Badu (@thatgirlshel) March 12, 2014

Shut up Self Hate! I don't hear you. I love me. 
The me now and the me I will discover.

I feel pretty wacky after this insane post.