What two year olds have taught me

Today is officially a month since I started childcare, and man haven't I learned a lot.

The World is your Oyster

Or better yet, the world is your playground. If you can't find the fun, then create it wherever you are. For the past few months I've been feeling stuck, as if I'm missing out on all of the fun. What a ridiculous thought. While I'm in my current location and situation, I might as well make the best of it. Wherever I am, at this moment, I have the ability to create my own happiness.

Note to self: [II]

Who is Shelby?

No, really. Who the heck am I?

What am I doing here? What do I love and enjoy? What are my passions? What is my calling? What makes me, me?

How does this even work?? How does one begin to know who they are? And when? How long does it take? And what's to be done until then?

Just exist, I suppose.

Seven Two's.

Seven two's at my feet. More milk. I don't want it. Use your spoon Tommy. Stop playing in your peas. More milk! Don't touch him. Are you done?

Seven boys at my table. It's lunch time. Styrofoam plates and plastic spoons placed around the rectangular kiddie furniture. Only a foot and a half from the floor with lime green chairs.

It was a Thursday. Just one more day. I just have to get through one. more. day I thought as I almost pulled my hair from my scalp. (Every bit of it was almost worth the pain and baldness that would have resulted.)

Twenty-two with seven kids. Twenty-two with seven boys. Twenty-two with seven two year old boys.

I'm hunched over, trying to sit at the tiny table, while cleaning tiny fingers from the meal that was supposed to end up in their bellies, but is actually plastered on their shirts. I wipe a sticky palm as I'm day dreaming about God knows what, but God brought something better. Across the room, among the chaos and confusion, I spot a cardinal. He peeped his head from below the window frame, offering me solace. I accepted and smiled.

I smiled for the first time that day, and nothing could take that smile away. Not even the thought that I had six more tiny hands to wipe.

I'm in an LDR.

Long Distance Relationship.

The relation? My best friend from London... who I've only met once.

We met Saturday, July 26th, 2014. We went to the mall, ate greasy mall food, and went to the typical mall stores. But the greatest part about it, we were able to laugh and talk without any electronic devices. We were able to hug, and touch each others hair (which we were both excited to do), and just learn each other the way friends are supposed to.

Because I Need To

My theory is that sometimes our bodies need things to the point of force. When that something is missing, the body will find a way to either replace it or make it happen involuntarily, without our conscious consent.

Like the way our tongues always manage to wiggle between two teeth, the pink fleshy crater tasting of lead and silver paper clips. No matter how hard we try, muscle memory sets in and our tongues always find it's place abreast with enamel. As if it belonged, needing to be there, number thirty two.

Or the way our eyes draw thick as velvet curtains and demand an exit of thoughts and an entrance of dreams. Paralyzed, closed eyes, no matter how hard we try. Our heads nod and bob, struggling to make it through one more episode, one more video, one more tweet. We wake up with laptops that had fallen asleep not long after our bodies became wrapped up in our sheets. Our eyes know before we do. And we have no choice but to agree.

Nights when I don't know why I'm crying, I credit it to the fact that, perhaps I haven't cried in a while and it's about time. My body is probably ridding the toxic thoughts and poisonous people from my spirit. Or maybe because I yearn for something more that I don't know how to give myself. The way an infant wails because there's nothing else to do to get his or her needs tended to. I guess maybe I cry because I don't have the words to say.

As I write this I can feel my tongue gliding across my teeth filled with anxiety, and my eyes are swelling, filled with tears. 

I don't know why, but I would like to think my body knows what it's doing. 

And I just agree.

"I could use a little break from this cycle, to give myself some space to discover what I look like and talk like when I'm not trying to merge with someone. And also, let's be honest — it might be a generous public service for me to leave intimacy alone for a while. When I scan back on my romantic record, it doesn't look so good. It's been one catastrophe after another. How many more different types of men can I keep trying to love, and continue to fail?"

Elizabeth Gilbert | Eat, Pray, Love

Our Black Men

Eric Garner | Oscar Grant | Sean Bell | Trayvon Martin | Jordan Davis

& the list goes on
                      and on
                            and on.

I mourn for the Black men in this country. I mourn for the Black men of the world whose lives are considered insignificant. They don't see the strength of a Black men. His power. His intelligence. His life as a human being.

They see his skin. As if the eumelanin determines one's worth and value.

The Veil continues to be relevant and active. The lack of clarity to see Blacks as people, as Americans, is active in our schools, our workplaces, and our communities. We are invisible to the world unless they want to make a mockery of the design of our biology. Unless they want to profit off of our minds and our bodies. Unless they want to show themselves as the "White savior" by offering the same hand that enslaved us.

The war on drugs is the war on us. Prisons are built based on our little Black and Brown boys. ^[1]

I mourn for little Black boys whose mothers pray for their safety walking to the bus stop and buying Skittles. I mourn for the little Black girls who will grow up to feel like the least desired cohort and will statistically feel the truth of the numbers. I mourn for the Black women who don't know if their husband's will come home and how they will tell their children.

Black in America is possibly one of the worst things to be. 

Yet being Black is by far the greatest person to be. 

Excuse my bias, but I have every reason to be.

note to self:

Never say, "I do that to everyone." to anyone at any time.

Love me better

Only I know how to love me the way I want to be loved.
There is no one on this Earth I expect to love me the way I can.

But there is someOne who can love me greater than I.

I stopped putting my hope in things.
I stopped putting my joy in situations.
I stopped putting my peace in people.

I know how to love me, but He loves me better.

With you. // 6.10.14

I've never seen a sky so beautiful than when I'm with you.
And I hope to never witness another with anyone but you.

The Rising of the Son

Today I learned that the sun shines at 6 am. I pity all the days I have wasted in bed well past the rising of the sun. Guilt rushed over me the moment I realized everyone around me was awake, starting their morning routines, dragging themselves to work, knowing that will be the only sun some of them will see before their commute back home.

The days when I could barely wake up or barely get out of bed, the rays were welcoming me with open arms. My blinds and thick dark curtains reject them, but my mind refused to face the day.

There were mornings that I never got to see transition into noon. The stillness of the world was not felt. And the silence was not appreciated. It is at this time that my soul is at peace, and rarely does my spirit get nourished my the sole presence of God.

No wonder people wake up at daybreak to kneel before His throne. No wonder His children sought Scripture to give solace to their spirits. I have found it to be the only time of day when we can meet Jesus face to face, before we swiftly join the ranks of those with fast paces and busy schedules.

Life After College [I]

Today marks exactly one month since I became a college graduate and transitioned into the "real world" (as if the world I've been a part of for the past twenty-two years has been a fantasy world).

Honestly not much as changed, and this stasis has launched me into a state of depression. Not chronic depression that I've experienced in former seasons of my life, but atypical depression; a direct response to events. When I was younger I always assumed my life would be exciting and a bit more "adult-like." Staying at my mama's house, spending the entire day alone, and thinking about that four year degree, but not actually using it, was not how I envisioned my 22nd year of life.

I've realized that college can only do a fraction of what you can do for your own future. Meaning, you may work four years (or more) for a degree, but it doesn't get you the job. It doesn't make you an adult or any more responsible than you require of yourself. It doesn't make life after college glamorous. Only you can do that. My lack of transportation is a bit of a hindrance, but I've decided to make the best of my solitude. There are plenty of things I can do to kick start my own life, so that when I'm blessed with transportation of my own, my plan will already be secure and the world will truly be my oyster.

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"We are programmed to focus on what we don't have [...].
This dissatisfaction transfers over to our thinking about God.
We forget that we already have everything we need in Him.
Because we don't often think about the reality of who God is,
we quickly forget that He is worthy to be worshiped and loved."
Francis Chan - Crazy Love

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 Whether I am out working a nine to five job or spending the entire day indoors, I want to take this life that God has given me and make the best of it. I will rejoice always. Focusing merely on what I do not have and my current position does not prioritize how glorious and good God is despite my situation. God is always worthy of praise. God is always worthy of worship. By centering my attention on my needs, I make them an idol and a god in my life. I began to worship the things I could not obtain, by putting those thoughts before the Lords.

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I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.
I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation,
whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
Philippians 4:12

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Life after college started off a bit rough, but I'm completely willing to learn from this experience. If this is the life God has for me at the moment in order to grow content and grow spiritually, than so be it. Who am I to complain when I serve the God of the galaxies, the Beginning and the End, the Alpha and Omega, and the great I AM. Thank God for growth after college and until the end of time.

Love is Like an Orange [II]

Love is like an orange. It's impossible to describe the aroma and difficult to explain the taste. Until you scratch the surface, you'll never know the zest of the scent. Until you peel the layers, you'll never know how sweet it is. No one can experience it for you. The moment you are familiar with an orange, you'll forever know one even with your eyes closed. You take a deep breath and you know it's love.

YHWH