"Reminded of the love we had."

My ex boyfriend--you know, the guy who swept me off my feet in high school and broke my heart thereafter? Yeah, that ex boyfriend-- came to visit.

Parted August 2010. Met and conversed October 2011. Ran into each other June 2013. Came over December 2013. Was I shocked? Sure. Was I happy to see him? Of course. But I couldn't figure out why.

For the hours that led to his arrival I was like a giddy school girl that wanted to strangle the rowdy butterflies in her stomach. "I'll let you know when I''m close." What do I wear?? "I'm ten minutes way." Okay, play it cool, but casual. *takes deep breath* While trying to contain my composure and keep the butterflies from escaping my throat, it hit me: Your first love will always be your first love.

That cannot be undone and taken away.

Over the past few years I have envisioned someday being together again. "We just needed time apart. We simply needed to grow separately to grow together again," were my hopeful thoughts on the matter.

Over the past few years I've tried to disregard how I might possibly have felt about him. When his name came up I tried not smile. When I ran into him in the mall I wanted to run behind the nearest kiosk from bashfulness and the fear of my red flushed skin. When a mutual friend would give me the 411 on his life, I tried to pretend that I didn't care, but all the more keeping a keen ear.

3pm to 10pm. 7 hours of catching up. 7 hours of laughing.

There were times of silence and times of awkwardness, but there were also times of reflecting, going down memory lane, and learning about the person we used to love 3 years prior.

The person that we used to love.
Reminded of the love we had.

As I watched him walk to the same car I rode shotgun in for 365 days, I remembered why we fell in love.
But it wasn't the same. 

"I felt everything, yet felt nothing."

Sneak Peek | Engagement Shoot 2013

My very good friends are engaged and I accompanied them during their engagement shoot. I felt like an intern: running to the car, writing Save the Dates, carrying the bags and blankets, helping with clothes changes, and fixing any stray hair that dared to come out of place, and I loved every moment of it.

Now I know the title says "Sneak Peek," but I must be a bit egotistical here. Helping with the photo-shoot made me realize how much I love helping others and being behind the scenes. Granted there were a few times when I wished I were the one either in front of the camera or holding the camera, but being behind the camera isn't that bad. To know that I could contribute in such minor ways to a bigger picture is enough. 

I don't think people fully realize that a big screen movie is more than the star actors, the director, and the camera guy (or gal). The credits, that no one truly pays attention to, are the real stars of the show because without every single name that scrolls by, that movie would not be possible. That's how life works.

Every person that comes into your life makes it possible. Of course the mastermind, aka Jehovah, orchestrates every person and event that takes place. We simply cannot see the bigger picture of our own lives let alone someone else's. You play a small role in someone's life that makes it grand. You may have said a few words, walked by, or simply being yourself from a distance and they heard or saw. You contributed to their life and you have no idea.

They have no idea.
We have no idea.

As you go on living your life, believe that everything you do, intentionally or unintentionally, is a part of a larger picture much greater than yourself. Even if no one ever sees your face or mentions your name, you helped make it possible. God chose you to help mold someone's life and others have been chosen to do that same for you. Life is amazing huh?

Now back to the the sneak peek:

Sister Act

Being in a state of cognitive dissonance is irritating. I know exactly what I need to do, but I don't do them. Shoot, I don't even do the things that I want to do, except for Netflix and food. That's what my life has become and I hate it, but what do I do day after day? Spend countless hours doing useless things. I guess I don't want those things bad enough or I would have done them by now.  

"If you wanna be somebody,

and you wanna go somewhere.

you better wake up and pay attention."

I want to be somebody and I know exactly what I need to do in order to become that person. I'm done with the foolishness, the laziness, the excuses, and even the moping when someone else gets what I want when they put in the time and energy to actually get it. I'm done with it all.

It's time for this sister to get her act together. 

Click Play

Little Drummer Boy