Time for Change.


//It's time for a change.

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Today I got hit with a brick

And...I'm trying to recover from that awful blow.

It weighs twenty one years and nine months worth of thoughts and wrapped in pieces of words sprawled across magazine covers and repeated on the t.v. screens. I for one do not own a television, but their agenda reaches my mind anyhow. More than five thousand blows against my weak heart.

Today I realized how much I hate certain things about myself. So much so that I don't think I can find a single thing that I at least like, let alone love.

Today I actually cried because I did not look like the girl I was stalking on Instagram. I could not believe what my heart was telling me at the moment. Alone in my yellow room, I embarrassed myself.

Today I realized how much I really didn't want to be me. I wanted her hair, her clothes, her words, and even her personality. I wanted to be pieces of women whom I've never met.

I don't really know who I am. I don't know what I enjoy. I don't know what makes me the happiest girl in the world. I don't know if what upsets me actually upsets me because I feel that way or because that's how I think I'm supposed to feel. I'm not sure if I love the company of others or desire to be alone forever. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't know if I hate chocolate anymore. I mean...it's good on strawberries, but do I actually like chocolate? I don't know why I don't really care about much, and that makes me upset. Or does it? I want to care about something! I care about succulents. I love succulents. That's all. I don't love anything else.

I don't care about owning pets one day. Dogs are cool. Cats are alright. But they don't mean anything to me. I don't think I have a favorite color any longer. It's just a freaking color.

What the heck am I talking about and who the heck am I?

Ugh.  Now that that's out of the way.

I'm about to change all of that! I want to be me: a me that I love and enjoy. A me who knows exactly who she is and what she likes. And finally be the me. The me that I truly am to my core, but I have to dig deep and find me. (I'll let God do the diggin'.)

Because of how I've been feeling lately, I said "Heck no!" and the following tweets are a result of the inner snap.



Shut up Self Hate! I don't hear you. I love me. 
The me now and the me I will discover.

 I feel pretty wacky after this insane post.
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I feel behind in life compared to my counterparts who never went to college or who did not choose a four year track.

While I'm completely broke and jobless, I have no car, I literally have nothing but on top of that I have 25k in school debt.

"Go to college," they say. "You'll be ahead of everyone," they say.

Everyone I know who didn't go to college have found careers, not jobs, but careers. They have money, they have the ability to purchase new cars, and clothes and food, and things they want. For goodness sake my sister makes more than my mama!

I know I don't know everyone's story, but everyone around is certainly looking well off than I am.

I feel so behind. Like a loser and a failure.

I graduate college in 2 months and it's hard for me to be happy. I don't even have a freakin' plan after school.

Ugh, and now I feel like a stupid brat for crying and complaining.
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