"Reminded of the love we had."

My ex boyfriend--you know, the guy who swept me off my feet in high school and broke my heart thereafter? Yeah, that ex boyfriend-- came to visit.

Parted August 2010. Met and conversed October 2011. Ran into each other June 2013. Came over December 2013. Was I shocked? Sure. Was I happy to see him? Of course. But I couldn't figure out why.

For the hours that led to his arrival I was like a giddy school girl that wanted to strangle the rowdy butterflies in her stomach. "I'll let you know when I''m close." What do I wear?? "I'm ten minutes way." Okay, play it cool, but casual. *takes deep breath* While trying to contain my composure and keep the butterflies from escaping my throat, it hit me: Your first love will always be your first love.

That cannot be undone and taken away.

Over the past few years I have envisioned someday being together again. "We just needed time apart. We simply needed to grow separately to grow together again," were my hopeful thoughts on the matter.

Over the past few years I've tried to disregard how I might possibly have felt about him. When his name came up I tried not smile. When I ran into him in the mall I wanted to run behind the nearest kiosk from bashfulness and the fear of my red flushed skin. When a mutual friend would give me the 411 on his life, I tried to pretend that I didn't care, but all the more keeping a keen ear.

3pm to 10pm. 7 hours of catching up. 7 hours of laughing.

There were times of silence and times of awkwardness, but there were also times of reflecting, going down memory lane, and learning about the person we used to love 3 years prior.

The person that we used to love.
Reminded of the love we had.

As I watched him walk to the same car I rode shotgun in for 365 days, I remembered why we fell in love.
But it wasn't the same. 

"I felt everything, yet felt nothing."

Sneak Peek | Engagement Shoot 2013

My very good friends are engaged and I accompanied them during their engagement shoot. I felt like an intern: running to the car, writing Save the Dates, carrying the bags and blankets, helping with clothes changes, and fixing any stray hair that dared to come out of place, and I loved every moment of it.

Now I know the title says "Sneak Peek," but I must be a bit egotistical here. Helping with the photo-shoot made me realize how much I love helping others and being behind the scenes. Granted there were a few times when I wished I were the one either in front of the camera or holding the camera, but being behind the camera isn't that bad. To know that I could contribute in such minor ways to a bigger picture is enough. 

I don't think people fully realize that a big screen movie is more than the star actors, the director, and the camera guy (or gal). The credits, that no one truly pays attention to, are the real stars of the show because without every single name that scrolls by, that movie would not be possible. That's how life works.

Every person that comes into your life makes it possible. Of course the mastermind, aka Jehovah, orchestrates every person and event that takes place. We simply cannot see the bigger picture of our own lives let alone someone else's. You play a small role in someone's life that makes it grand. You may have said a few words, walked by, or simply being yourself from a distance and they heard or saw. You contributed to their life and you have no idea.

They have no idea.
We have no idea.

As you go on living your life, believe that everything you do, intentionally or unintentionally, is a part of a larger picture much greater than yourself. Even if no one ever sees your face or mentions your name, you helped make it possible. God chose you to help mold someone's life and others have been chosen to do that same for you. Life is amazing huh?

Now back to the the sneak peek:

Sister Act

Being in a state of cognitive dissonance is irritating. I know exactly what I need to do, but I don't do them. Shoot, I don't even do the things that I want to do, except for Netflix and food. That's what my life has become and I hate it, but what do I do day after day? Spend countless hours doing useless things. I guess I don't want those things bad enough or I would have done them by now.  

"If you wanna be somebody,

and you wanna go somewhere.

you better wake up and pay attention."

I want to be somebody and I know exactly what I need to do in order to become that person. I'm done with the foolishness, the laziness, the excuses, and even the moping when someone else gets what I want when they put in the time and energy to actually get it. I'm done with it all.

It's time for this sister to get her act together. 

Click Play

Little Drummer Boy

RE: Good Enough

“You are enough.
Paint it on your mirrors,
on the back of your eyelids,
drown it in your stomach,
sing it in every word you say.
You are never too much.
Eat your food,
sleep eight hours,
walk like you love yourself.
You are enough.
Say it in your sleep,
mantras to carry you through your day.
There is never enough of you.
You are a thirst that is never quenched.
I crave you when you’re away.
I love every piece of you.
But I cannot make you love yourself.”
— Michelle K., You Are Enough.

Good Enough.

I don't feel beautiful enough.
I don't feel smart enough.
I don't feel interesting enough.
I don't feel funny enough.

I don't feel feminine enough.

I don't feel kind enough.
I don't feel mature enough.
I don't feel good enough.

I don't feel like I have what it takes for any one man to want to pursue me, and only me.

I see other women and can't help but think about their outstanding qualities.

I just don't feel like a guy thinks I'm entirely worth it.

I watch what I say. What I do. In fear of running someone away.

I usually always regret talking...to anyone.

I just want a man to want me. I want him to say "Whatever it takes, I want to get to know her. No one else, but her."

I just want to feel special.

Worth it.

*I feel the need to elaborate, but I don't feel the need to explain myself.

Encourage yourself.

Wrap your arms around your body 

and whisper in your ear,

"There is no one on this world like you.

No one can ever replace you."

Now place your hand on your heart.

"You feel that? It's called life.

It's called purpose."

Look into your eyes.

"If there is something you need to be sure of, know that 

you have been, you are, and you will always be,

Loved."

Sit down next to yourself.

Hold your hand.

Close your eyes.

"What you think you knew about yourself,

doesn't matter.

I think the world of you."

Cry on your shoulder.

"I love you."

I finally stopped questioning God's love for me.

From then on, I questioned love for myself.

Sometimes I don't want a heart as big as mine.

It hurts too much.

little baptist church.

A few weeks ago I left the comfort of the pews of my church home, and my family and I visited another church on the other side of town. I was apprehensive to leave what was familiar to me. I didn't want to leave the music, screens, digital announcements, or having to get up in order to give tithes. I didn't want sit in a church where I didn't know anyone or listen to the sermon of another pastor of whom I knew nothing about. 

The small baptist church was located in the middle of residential homes that were built several decades earlier. The yard was small, but held a large white cross right next to the sign. As we entered, it immediately reminded me of the small baptist churches I grew up in. It felt very...homey, to say the least.

Music bounced off of the cinder block walls as the worship team shouted in praise. The songs most certainly took me back to the days of laying in mama's lap as she rocked back and fourth to the rhythm. Songs like "More Than Anything", "Lord, I Lift Your Name on High", "Grateful",  "Total Praise," and the hand clapping toe tapping "Souled Out." I felt so grounded and began to cry tears of pure love, gratitude, and humility.

Chris, a young church member, did the announcements and expressed his love for his ministry with tears as well. Two young men moved a large wooden podium with "Tithes" etched in the grain and sat it next to the plastic fern plants and electric candles that most black churches are all too familiar with. As the music started, each member walked to the front of the sanctuary to honor God with their finances.

After service, of which there were baptisms, everyone talked and fellowshiped. There was laughter and tears. Everyone's name was known. They were figuring out who was cooking or where to eat. Watching after each others children while they didn't worry about who had theirs. They were truly what you would call a church family.

There were no fancy lights, no large screen to display lyrics or verses, no special bags or plates to collect offering, no stage for the worship team. They had what they had, and were happy. No complaints.

It reminded me of the problem of American Christianity: we get too comfortable with the theatrics of the church, but always wanting more.

I'll never forget where I came from. It's humbly and I take God for Him taking me to that little baptist church in the middle of humble homes.

Romans 1:20 NKJV

"For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse."

I often see God in the things around me (e.g. my rainbow and construction posts). This morning I woke up to check on my wounded succulent and see how the rest were doing. As I looked at the leaves that are in the process of propagation, I was in awe. My God. He created this process, not just with plants, but with His people. Propagation is the spreading of something, usually a belief or practice, into new regions (Princeton). That's what He wants His people to do: make disciples of the whole world.

So first I'm in awe that He can make a new plant, one that can grow many feet tall, out of a tiny leaf. (Sounds like David and Goliath huh? The smallest thing/person can have the largest impact.) Second, He just taught me a lesson about the Great Commission, and how we are without excuse.

Lastly, you see the leaf in the middle? The one with the biggest stem. Well that little guy was the one I neglected. I left him in a box somewhere, and tended to the other leaves. A few weeks later I found him in the box already sprouting roots while the others were not. He's definitely my miracle baby, ahead of the pack. Sometimes it's the ones that we overlook or disqualify, that have the most potential. God is so good.

Atlanta Botanical Garden

i teared up at the thought of owning succulents.
there was so much joy in my heart, and i smiled.
any sign and touch of life is beautiful.

i, to be noticed,
is too much to ask, therefore,
i have to let go.

procrastinating tears.

it's late and all i want to do is cry, for various reasons. both good and bad. because i'm a coward, yet burning with passion.

but i continue to reblog, retweet, and like and like and like to avoid the realities of my life, to stop the tears.

Not saved to be silent.

I read this simple phrase on a T-shirt awhile back and immediately loved it. So much so that I searched for that same tee on the internet in hopes of wearing it proudly. I knew that the phrase carried so much power. Unfortunately, that tee was no where to be found. 

God breathed life into the phrase and placed it on my heart last Friday. I finally knew what it truly meant.

At the beginning of this semester, I knew that I needed to be bold. I was going to invite people to church, bring up God anyway I could, and proudly proclaim the Gospel at any cost. That lasted all of two weeks. I didn't invite anyone to church, I avoided conversations about religion, and I didn't verbally express my love for the Lord to those who lived contrary. I became ashamed. 

Prayer stopped becoming a lifestyle and started becoming a chore. For a long time I denied that there was a problem, but I knew in the pit of my stomach that I was wrong. And it hurt.

Last Friday I prayed. Real prayers. Heartfelt prayers. For the first time in a long time. I trembled because it was at the moment that God spoke to me and said "you are not saved to be silent". I cried because that's exactly what I was doing for months. 

This was a tactic of the enemy that I was blind to. He wanted to silence me because he knew that I could speak life, move mountains, and help turn people from the darkness to the light. The enemy knew that God wanted to use me vocally before I even knew that. I've been prophesied many times that I am an evangelist, or will be one, but I didn't believe it. I've been told that I'm an excellent speaker, but I rejected that notion as well.

The fear of public speaking is ranked #1 in the United States. More people are afraid of speaking in public than dying. And as a Christian that's backwards. We do not need to fear death because Christ overcame it! We need to go tell people about our Lord and Savior!

We were called to be free. The chain of silence needs to be broken off of Gods people. The chain of being ashamed needs to be broken off of His servants. The chain of rejection needs to be broken off of His children. 

Father, I repent tonight.                   I was not saved to be silent.

This. This. This.

G u a r d y o u r h e a r t.

G u a r d y o u r h e a r t.

G u a r d y o u r h e a r t.

RE: 10 January 2013

Construction always amazes me. The fact that man can make something out of nothing. The intricacies of pipes and wires: the exact measurements of lengths and angles to make sure the building functions the way it was intended. But how much greater is our God, the Creator of the universe. The land and waters: how the oceans regulate climates and temperatures. The heights and the depths. The fact that plants and animals exchange gases so that the other may have life! Everything on this earth was placed here for a reason to sustain life, and to function the way it was intended. How great is our God...

(Instagram)

Celebrate you.

You should celebrate with yourself more than you should with other people.

No one will ever be as happy, as excited, or as thrilled for you as you are for yourself.

Go out to dinner; table for one. Dance with your shadow and sing to your reflection. Hold yourself in the comfort of your own arms. Simply... love on you.

No one will ever be as happy for you as you are for yourself.

Go ahead. You deserve it.

There are people in this world who cause me to dislike everyone else, but then there are the people who make up for the rest of them. I appreciate the latter.

We met at 11 years of age, during a time when the only thing we had to worry about was improper fractions and who liked who. Well we liked each other, but like most middle school romances, it didn't last long. Six years went by without a glance of his face nor a sound of his voice. We saw each other briefly until the next year when we just so happened to attend the same university. We kicked it for a semester, the sparks were definitely there, but once again... it quickly died. He went his way; I went mine. That was two years ago.

I get a phone call, I missed it, I called back. We asked the typical questions. You know, the "Hey, how's it going?"'s and the "How's school?"'s and the "What you been up to?"'s.

And he cut to the chase. The real reason he called. He wanted to know how I got and stayed so "religious", as he called it. I told him my testimony, and why I've been sustained. It was only by the grace of God, and reverence for His majesty. I owe God my life. It belongs to Him. My friend then shared what the Lord has done in his life recently, and I cried.

The very last thing he did was apologize. For hurting me in the past, for pressuring me, and for leaving. I could not control the tears. God is turning him into the man that he is destined to be. And if you knew what I know, my God! what a transformation that is. The things of this world cannot compare to the mighty works of the Lord.

This is why God's not dead.

The worst thing about getting older...
we don't see the world the way we used to.

The best thing about growing up...

we don't see the world like we used to.

When we are young, we have the capability of viewing the world through an innocent lens. The smallest parts of life fascinate us. We have questions and we want answers. We believe that we are who we say that we are. We are fearless and strong. We are curious and a little strange. But that's okay. Cloudy days vanish with a smile and mommy's arms are safe. The pain never prosper, and the good guy always wins.

Now. We worry. The little things in life never satisfy us and we only question the present, the future, the past. Who we say that we are doesn't compare to who the world says that we are. The lens that we now see through is cracked. But. We are wiser. We are stronger. We fall down and we get back up. The mistakes of our past causes us grow. We grow, and we grow, and blossom. We are the broken things that prosper.

We will never see the world the way we see it this very moment.

What am I talking about?

take me to that place, Lord.

There is a God who loves me

Who wraps me in His arms

And that is the place where I'm changed

And that's where I belong

Take me to that place Lord

To that secret place where

I can be with You

You can make me like You

Wrap me in Your arms

Haiku #1

I called out to You
when the world was solemn and,
my God, You were there.

mustache mug. ✔

amazing grace.

"You don't even have the ability, no matter how hard you try, to make your own heartbeat. You are sustained only by the mercy of God. even when you hate him."

I said "This is the last time"
for the twenty seventh time
but I can't let go

RE: March 14, 2011

"I understand.":

the most insensible phrase I've come to know.

No, you don't understand.

You probably never will.

No one will ever understand.

*edit "I understand" should only apply to math problems and directions to the nearest gas station.

words.

I hate to waste time.
                                     But I'm so good at it.

“Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different...”

 ― C.S. Lewis

I accidently locked eyes with myself in the mirror.

At that very moment I smiled.

I'm scared.

Scared to love you. To let you see the inner part of me that I've tried so hard to bury deep beneath my bones. So deep that even I, living within myself, wouldn't be able to find it if I tried. But I won't try because I still know it's there, whether I can see it. But it's buried, so whether I can find it. I know it's there. It, that inner part of me, is weak and broken and confused and lost and scared, and scared; it's scared.

You got close and I got scared.

That part was never meant for you, and it's not for me. I saved it for the One who knows what to do with it, but you, you got real close. I got scared to let you get that close. I gave you power. That wasn't meant for you either. I'm weak and I'm scared, which is why I keep doing this. To myself, to you, to You.

I'm sorry, but I'm weak and broken and confused and lost and scared, and scared...

...I'm scared.

blackbirds.

I often find myself not saying enough, which always proves to be a problem.

Sometimes I find myself saying too much, and that too, proves to be a problem.

Then there are times where I find myself silent, which proves to be a problem as well.




Give me a place in the woods, where the only ones I can speak to are those who could use my words in a humble exchange and God.

4/365

God hears me when I call to Him.

                Psalm 4:3

      Faith       
Fear & Failure

[Overcome fear and failure with faith.]

2-3/365

¹¹ Serve the Lord with fear,
   And rejoice with trembling.
      ^{Psalm 2:11}

                        ⁸ Salvation belongs to the Lord.
                                Your blessing is upon Your people. Selah

                Psalm 3:8 

1/365

² but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
³ That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
  and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.

Psalm 1:2-3