mommy's baby, daddy's maybe.

All my life I've had just my mama. Of course things weren't always peachy keen considering she was, and still is, a single mother with two children. I was comfortable. I liked my not so perfect, semi-crappy life. I was happy. 

Last year I decided to send my dad an invitation to my graduation. He missed everything else in my life; first tooth, heart breaks, proms, birthdays, so I figured he could at least see me graduate from high school. Every since then he's been trying to come into my life. Trips here and there, money here and there, but I don't want those. I don't want to spend time with him. I don't want to get to know him. Why? Because we've missed that point in our lives. It's too late for him to try and be a dad. After 18 years there isn't much he can do in my life. It's not special; it's complicated and uncomfortable. He's merely a stranger in my eyes. I appreciate him trying, but I honestly don't care.

We went to a shoe store and he said to me "If there's anything you like, let me know." I smiled and nodded my head. Of course I saw shoes that I wanted, but when he asked before checkout, what did I say? "Nope, didn't see anything." I'll never be a daddys girl; that connect will never be there. 

Now that he's trying to be in my life, how do I left him know I don't want him here? Sometime I regret the simple gesture of sending an invitation.

He may have fathered me, but DNA doesn't make him my daddy. 

say something nice.

via Tumblr.

"Hey Shelby :). I just wanted you to know that I saw the post about your family last week, and I've been praying for you and yours every night since Thursday. I stopped praying when I was about 18/19, and looking at it today, my life has kinda stagnated since back then. Since reading your post, i started praying again and I've also been asking God to help me guide me out of this stage and start making some progress.

Well i got a call out the blue on Sunday from a college friend and after telling him whats been up with me, he is making an attempt to try & help me out of my situation lol. Coincidence? Nope. I believe it's as a sign. So for that, I want to thank you for bringing prayer back into my life. I hope that whatever it is that you are going through right now soon passes and i will start seeing you on my dash again lol. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Thank you and stay strong. *e-hug*"

circa 1994.

All I’ve been doing lately is crying. My life as I know it is suffocating me. I can’t breathe and I keep gasping for air. My head space is cluttered and my heart is shattered. I simply need to get away from everyone and everything that exists to me; Running away seems to be the only option.

hopeful homeless.

"You shall love your crooked neighbor with your crooked heart."

 -W.H. Auden

black lipstick x turban.

Judge me.

I put on black lipstick merely for fun, but the thing is...I kinda like it. Granted I would never were it out in public, especially in this little ole country town of mine. People put so much emphasize on outter appearances. Someone said to me, "I don't like it. Don't goths wear black lipstick?" I simply replied, "You're stereotyping and judging. I understood that people would take it the wrong way because it's black, but it's just a color. If i were wearing pink lipstick it would be fine by most people I suppose, but you're looking at the color, not at how it looks on me." He might not have liked how it looked on me, I understand, but he was so focused on the fact that it was black. I always wear lipstick; nudes, pinks, reds, but when I decided to do something different, people opposed. I'm still the same person; I'm still Shelby. Reminds me of the time I cut my hair and went natural. So many people were worried about my outside appearance that they weren't worried about the person underneath., or about my feelings. I am who I am regardless. Society is so jacked.

Personal.

Well...Maybe not. I haven't written much on here anymore about my personal life; Mostly quotes and pictures. Let's see if I can come up with a few things...

I start my second year in college toward the end of the month.
I've made a final decision to start locing my hair summer 2012.
I almost got a new piercing, but I freaked out.
But I still want my third hole.
My nephew is cuter than yours.
You should be jealous.
It's been over a year since I've eaten meat.
Hot wings almost cracked me.
I'm single. As can be.
I'm not even "talking" to anyone.
I kinda like it that.
I'm getting a hang of this single thing.
I love people, but why are they so mean?
Seeing people smile >.
I'm now a kitten and cat kind of girl.
What are dogs?
I miss him, him, him, and Him.

*shrug*

early morning painting.