the sorries.

     "I woke up to the sound of mamas' voice. Why aren't you sleep in your room, she said noticing I was dead to the world on our tattered couch that used to be cream and black but is now stained and gray.

       Look I'm sorry that I'm so sick of my life. I'm sorry that I have no one to turn to but myself and I can't even depend on it like I want to. I'm so sorry I let myself get walked over and pushed around. I'm sorry I don't have a voice. Can't you see I'm still searching for it? For who I really am? I'm sorry that I punish those I love the most for the ones that hurt me the most.
       I'm sorry he broke my heart. I'm sorry I snuck behind your back. I know I'm not supposed to have a boyfriend but I loved him so much. Or so I thought I did. I'm sorry I let me heart get broken. I failed you. I didn't listen. I'm sorry.
       I'm sorry I made you hate me and the fact that you won't admit it. I'm so so sorry.
       Mama please don't cry.
       I'm sorry for the pain. I don't want it to happen again. But I have pain and sorrows too. I'm sorry I can't make the pain disappear. I'm sorry I can't make the world a better place for either of us. But I'll try.
        I'm sorry your good heart is unappreciated. I see how your spirit drifts away when strangers refuse your smile. I really love you. Don't you believe me? I'm sorry I can't show you that I do. But I don't know how.
       What's love?
       Mama I'm sorry for the heartache and stress. I'm sorry we both can't be happy.
       I'm sorry I made you cry late at night. I'm not worth your tears. I'm sorry I made you have to be strong for the both of us. I was just scared.
       I'm sorry. For everything.
       I know you won't accept this apology so I'm sorry for wasting your time...

     My eyes go black. My head's spinning and begins to throb. I'm trying to hold on but I can't. The thoughts rush right past me. I try to hold on. To grab them but I can't. There's one and another and another. They won't stop. Mommy, make them stop. Make them go away.
     I wake up and see her looking at me. I simply get up and go to my room as a tear for every strand of guilt leave traces of white along my cheeks. "

I wrote this freshman year when I had a lot of things going on. I remember crying and trying to get creative since it was actually a class assignment. I look back now and can't believe I shared this with anyone besides myself. I wrote many more and made a book but it's more like a stupid depressing diary. Mama asked me everyday to every week if she could read it. She pretty much begged me. Now you see why I just couldn't let her. She still to this day hasn't read a page of it....she never will.

P.S. - The only other person I've shared a few stories with was Jalen. 
I'm pretty sure it'll remain that way.

This is the book...