Reading recommendations.

I am in need of books to read.

I have a few on my list as of right now;

• A Million Little Pieces by James Frey
  
• The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
  
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
  

I have mentioned all of them at one point but have yet to actually read them. I plan on reading them very very soon. The problem with me is that I like to buy books. Checking them out of the library and having a deadline is no bueno for me. I like to take my time when reading. Anywho, if you know if any great books that you have read or that others have recommended to you, please let me know!

Late nights and early mornings.

It's been a long time.

I know everytime I'm gone for days and weeks at a time it's because I went on hiatus or I was depressed etc... This time it was because my laptop broke. I'm in the library as we speak, but I should be up and running on my baby soon. I miss you guys! :)

“You should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.”

—	Eat. Pray. Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

How befitting.

I lost the two most important people in my life (besides fam) this summer. Jalen and my best friend, Karissa. I'm pretty much over the Jalen situation but I can't get over losing my best friend. We've been through so much together for the past 5 years. I can't help but think that there's something wrong with me for both of them to push me out of their lives. I'm so hurt right now I seriously can't stop crying. I've tried to be there for the two of them. I've tried to show them how much I love them.

I don't think anyone can fathom how heart broken I am...

Update: "Silly of me to keep holding on."

"Now the dunce cap is off."

It's been a little over a month since Jalen and I broke up; I'm just now letting go. I thought I was over it, but I hit him up about a week ago and he said that he wanted to see me. Now I took that as "I miss you. We should get back together. What was I thinking letting you go?" and I ran with it. It hit me two nights ago that I'm holding on to something that isn't there anymore. That, and the fact that I found out something that I tried to be in denial about. I'm going to say this to myself for the last time, "If he wanted to be with me, he would." That didn't cross my mind these past few weeks until I was reminded by a good friend. Holding on has also kept me from being free. I can honestly say that I am free and I love it.

Another thing, sex before marriage ain't happenin' over on this end! It's been over a year since I've had sex and plan on waiting until I am married. Something happened the other day and I started crying. (I won't tell you what happened. Lol.) The guy just looked at me, wiped my tears and told me I was beautiful. Lol.  I felt so much guilt on me that I just couldn't control my emotions. I've never cried over anything like that so that's how I know I need to wait and that I will.

Everyday is a growing and learning process.

Trying to find peace of mind...

Love is blind.

I have finally learned what that means.

America's most trusted stranger.

Frank Warren, the founder of “PostSecret” is coming to my university September 20th and I am too excited!! I seriously can’t stand it. I'm about to lose it! Every Sunday I go to the website to read all of the new post secrets, I laugh, I cry, and ultimately I can relate to a lot of them. After he speaks there will be a book signing and best believe I will make it my mission to be first in line. *sigh* 

Here's me ticket! :D

Two things that always make me cry:

• Church
• "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill"

No one man.

"Meet me where the sky touches the sea.
Wait for me where the world begins."

-Sid Malone, "The Winter Rose."

What do women want?

Any excuse to get closer.

"This is your life. Are you who you want to be?"

I certainly am not but my goodness I'm trying. I can at least say that much if I don't succeed, but failure is not an option. I am trying to the best of my abilities.

We're all just numbers.

From the time we are born we are assigned a number as our identities. Our social security numbers are essentially who we are in this world and from there on we add other numbers to our existence. Telephone numbers, employee numbers, the numbers on our Visa's, even waiting in line at the local DMV to yet again be assigned another number...

This. Right here. Is my. Swag.

All. My books. Are open. Swag.
Every. Body. Pay. Attention.
This. Right here. Is my,
COLLEGE GIRL SWAG.
COLLEGE GIRL SWAG.
Papers on my desk when I college girl swag.
Professors call my name when I college girl swag.
GET OUT THE WAYYYY!
College girl coming through!
Me and my crew we STUDYIN’ in the room.

Since I missed an assignment, I have to be on my grind.

This. Right here. Is my. Anthem.

Hella Black.

Two years ago on this day. 

R.I.P. babyy boy.

I love & miss you.

You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk.

I can honestly say that I am truly happy.

For those of you who know me and my past, you know that it's been a rough journey. A lot of you have seen me depressed and even know a secret about myself that not a lot of people I know personally know.

I used to be a sad person with happy moments.

Now I am a happy person with sad moments.

There is a huge difference between the two. I've been battling my depression for awhile now just trying to overcome whatever it was that was keeping me from being a happy person. I was so tired of putting up a front and pretending that everything was okay when in actuality, I felt like I was slowly dying inside. I don't have to do that anymore and I love it. I don't cry every night like I used to. I don't have the crazy thoughts like I used to. I am genuinely happy. I finally feel like I'm free from myself.

all my yellowbones get on the floor!

 so I've been told. :)

I need to learn how to be single.

I don't think I'm doing it right.

Starting over.

I think it's finally settling in that I'm single and it looks like it'll be that way for awhile. I'm just so uncomfortable being alone. I've been in relationships a majority of my high school years so when I'm single it just doesn't feel right. It's not so much the fact that I need a relationship or a boyfriend but, like I mentioned in a previous post, being single isn't the lifestyle I desire.

The part that I hate the most is starting over. Sharing my secrets, telling childhood stories, my hopes, my dreams. Pouring my heart out to someone new. I absolutely hate starting over. The worst part about it is, it's has to happen, every single time. It's enviable.

I guess that's why Gavin and I are hanging out so much. We're both familiar faces to each other on campus and we get to skip the "starting over" phase. All we're doing is catching up. But I don't like it in the least bit. I don't want to settle with him just because he isn't someone new. I feel like that's the only reason why I may like him, because it's safe.









I hate this so much.

Where to, Miss?

1st week of college!

LET'S GO PEAY!

Austin Peay State University class of 2014. :)

Pictures are worth a million words so I'll let them speak on my behalf.

To see all of them, add me on Facebook. :)

Happy Birthday Lokei Dreams!

     My baby is a year old! Can you believe it? I can't! Lokei Dreams and I would like to thank my life, the people in it and the events, because without it this blog wouldn't be possible. I would like to thank my emotions for getting the best and worst of me at times. & I would love to thank my followers!

     Yes, I'm lame but to be real, I seriously can't believe it's been a whole freakin' year. A lot has changed since then. I had people in my life then that I don't have now and I have people in my life now that I didn't have then. I transitioned from relaxed to natural, high school to college, childhood to what most would call adulthood, in a relationship to single. I am certainly not the person that I was a year ago and this blog reflects that in every aspect. That's why a created Lokei Dreams. To document my life so that I may look back and reflect. I hope to continue this for many years to come. *blows out candles*

people change. feelings change. it doesn't mean that the love once shared wasn't true and real. it simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart.

AyeeGavinn.

Remember the guy from this post? Well we now go to college together. :)

Recap: Met in 6th grade, dated in 6th grade for a few months, broke up before the end of the school year, he moved, talked a few times via myspace, ran into each other last November for the first time since 6th grade, exchanged numbers, didn't really talk, at the same college, now we're together all the time.

It's as if nothing has changed between the two of us. It's been 6-7 years since we last hung out and it feels as though those 6-7 years of not seeing each other didn't exist. To be honest, it's scary. He said I was his 1st love, which I just found out, and he's my 1st boyfriend. It's strange how things work out. Although we have great chemistry, I'm not sure if this will go anywhere but I'm not really asking for it to so I guess that doesn't matter. Blahhh. I have a lot to say about this topic but I'll cut it short.

He said not to put this picture on facebook, so I'll leave it here. :)
Yes, it's a terrible picture. (Crappy webcam)

That girl was me.

Full tweet:

When I saw this, I instantly started crying. Not necessarily because of Jalen and I but because I was the jerk. Because someone cares. Because I really needed to see that.

He asked if Jalen was good and my response was "How the fuck should I know?" he then asked if we broke up and all I said was "3 weeks ago." He texted back and what did I do? Nothing. Nothing at all. 

I just can't get over this. Believe you me I'm trying.