thatgirlshel: October 2010

So I made it through October without anything happening to me. Those two years are in the pass and I'm finally ready to move on from those experiences and move forward without doubt in my life. The only thing I can account for my "bad luck" is the taunting. I have heard or read the word "rape" every single day of this month. Not only that but one night I was going to go to the library and walk to my room alone like I always do, but I didn't. The next day I receive info that a girl was raped walking from the library. I don't wish that on anyone, but the girl could have been me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just driving myself crazy with all of these thoughts that mean nothing. All in all, I'm fine. I can't wait to see what November has in store for me.

I'm still in love with my ex.

I'm moving on physically, but he still has my heart and my head won't let me forget that. I don't necessarily compare other guys to him. Everyone has their own thing going for them, but I do know their intentions aren't what I'm looking for and I know I'm not the type of girl they're looking for.

I've found myself having two breakdowns talking with my friends about my ex and the way I feel is inevitable. I have seen him once in the past 4 months, and when I did see him words were barely exchanged and I didn't even try to look his way. I'd hate him, but then I won't. I know it's all because of bitterness. I'm not happy with how things ended. I wish things would have never ended. But the world goes on...and I'm trying...

Pointless point. I'm going to start bitching about about being single 'cause this shit sucks!

"LOVE ME WHEN I LEAST DESERVE IT, BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN I’LL REALLY NEED IT."

- Edgar Allan Poe

TMI Tuesday.

This probably isn't the place to post this, but I'm not ashamed of it nor do I feel I'm alone.

I'm going to keep it simple...very simple:

[I sometimes get intense orgasms when I have a full bladder. Like...intense!]

You may continue on with your day.

And don't judge me either.

-_________________-

elevators.

The Dream.

I'm not perfect...

...and honestly, I don't want to be.

I have chipped nail polish. I have terrible skin. My lips get chapped a lot. I have bags under my eyes. I don't have long hair. I have a fro. Sometimes my fro is lumpy. I don't have the greatest style. I don't know how to spell without the help of Google and spell check. I can't drive. I can't sing. I can't dance. I cry way too often.

But I know how to love. I know how to comfort you when you're down. I know how to listen to your problems, or just how your day went. I can cook for you, even bacon if that's what you want. I'll give you your space. If you're tired, we don't have to talk; I'll just lay on your chest and hear your heart beat. I'll love you wholeheartedly.

"...there was a time when you could barely take your eyes off me."

Dalai Lama's 18 rules for living.

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:

Respect for self.
Respect for others.
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

"...probably the most important person you'll ever meet..."

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

I saw a dead bird flyin through a broken sky

Wish I could flap wings and fly away

My mind > My face

The way the cookie crumbles.

"U know somethin? I cant look at u for more than 5 seconds without wndering why you're still single...." (message on facebook)

Yeah, well... *shrug* I really don't know how to respond to that, or if I even want to. There isn't an explanation. It is what it is. No blow to him, but that line, "You're too pretty to be single", etc...really rubs me the wrong way. As if my looks are the only reason why I'm with someone on the first place. The guys that I've tried to get to know have all failed me, but that's okay though. I'm not really in the position to be jumping into a relationship anyway. Although I'm not too fond of being single, I am accepting it. I'm using this time to get myself together, get to know who I am, what I want, what I like, what sets me off. I need to get to know Shelby for once.

So, I suppose the reasons why I'm single are because no one's worth my time right now(well...that's another story), I have yet to find a guy who looks past my beauty, and most importantly I need to find out who I am.

It’s been 19 years since Belle moved in here..

Do you think she’s read them all yet?

The L bomb.

A guy I just met not too long again told me he loved me.

Me: Hey. What's up?
*hug*
Him: Can I just hold you? *whispers in my ear* I love you.
Me: Boy no you don't. Get outta here with all that!
Him: Nahh. I do. blah blah blah.
Me: Uh huh.

O_o

It's so funny how that word is just being thrown around. He think because he's a 21 year old basketball player that he about to get me caught up. WRONG! I'll shut a nigga down real quick! I don't play that. Smh. I was actually starting to believe he was better than that. Either he running game or he too soft, falling easily and ishh. *sigh*

Every single day.

I hate the whole month of October. I was dreading it all year; now that it's here I've been on pins and needles. If you're fairly new to my blog and don't know what I hate October read In a split second.

Today I realized that every single day of October so far, which is only four, I've heard the word "rape." Repeatedly. Over and over and over again in conversation. I'm not exaggerating, I'm not making this up and I'm trying to make anyone feel bad about me. In actuality, I'm slightly over the situation because I take partial blame. The fact of the matter is, I haven't heard that word so much in my life. I feel like I'm being taunted.

Ughhh. I can't wait until this stupid month is over. :(

Love is blind.

. . . .
. . . .
. . . .

The list.

When school first started we had a problem in our crew; a friend would "go after" a guy that another friend clearly said she was interested in. Long story short we created "The List". The List is (obviously) a list of guys that each of us were interested in so that another friend wouldn't go after any of them. It was a way to keep our friendship together and not let any guys come in between us. Over the last few weeks, the same guys on our own lists' have been causing grief, sadness, anger, etc... Our boy list is going down.

Our list of change is going up. Most of the girls in my crew and I are trying to have a better relationship with God and at least try to do what is right according to Him. The new lists will remind us of where we're trying to go and who we're trying to be to keep us on the right path.

There isn't much on my list because I already don't drink, smoke, or have sex. But I do have a huge potty mouth! I've been trying to fix that for a long time but old habits die hard... *sigh*

Here's my list so far:

No cussing.
No sexual dancing. [Stand/Sit in the club with my water and look pretty.] ;)
No procrastinating.
Pray more and pray often.
Financial responsibility.
Family. [Tell them I love them, I miss them, I care.]

No flicker. No fireworks. No flame.

I've come to realize that although Gavin and I have this obvious connection, there isn't anything else there. I sometimes think that the only reason we have a connection in the first place is because we have history. I try to put us in a situation of never having had met each other prior to college. (never having had?? the heck? anywho) Would we be the way we are now? Would we call ourselves liking each other? I'm not sure if I can say that we would have. The only thing we have going for us is the sexual tension and I don't need any of that going on. I know something isn't there when I have to question if I want to like someone. I know I'm not his type, I know he wouldn't be happy with me. It's just not there.... No flicker, no fireworks, and no flame to rekindle.