“It’s a dangerous necessity,

it’s a world-famous mystery:

Love.”

—Mos Def.

We all need a little encouragement every now and then.

Never let anyone tell you that you are incompetent or less than excellent. Strive for the best and please don't settle for anything less than because I know you deserve better. Reach for your dreams; become a dreamer with drive and determination because without those two nothing comes to the dreamer but the mere thought of what could have been. If you fail at least you can say that you tired. I don't want to say life is too short because in reality it's the longest thing we'll ever do and we don't want to spend our lives regretting the past, uneasy in the present, and worrying about the future. Tell the ones close to you that you love them. Smile for no reason at all, what's the harm in that? Do what you love. Any negative thoughts that come your way, use them to your advantage as motivation. Nothing irks people more than seeing you happy after they have tried so hard to destroy you. Show them that you can conquer all. If someone does bring you down, remember that I believe in you, you are beyond amazing, and that you are loved.

Birthday List [3]

Chuck Taylors.

All of these colors please. :)

polo-pescitarian.

I've been a semi vegetarian for sometime now, transitioning to become a vegetarian, but the way I live, where I live, and who I live with have been making it hard. My new challenge is to become a pescitarian, meaning I only eat seafood, but before I'm fully a pescitarian, I'm going to transition by becoming a polo-pescitarian, seafood and chicken. The amount of chicken I eat will be cut down to at least half. I really hope I can go through with this. :)

second time around.

I'm very happy to be back with Jalen but I'm still skeptical about it. I remember how I was when we first got together; I was very scared about what I was getting myself into. Obviously over the past few months that fear subsided a little. Since we've gotten back together, I find it hard to get things back to how they were. I'm slightly keeping my distance. I'm more scared than I was in the beginning...

No hair dont care !

I used to cry when I got an inch cut off of my hair when someone else did it,

but I didn't shed one tear cutting about 6 inches off myself.

I don't love it yet but I dont hate it.

100% natural as of 3:57 am Saturday May 29, 2010.

I just couldnt wait until my birthday, which is in 8 days btw. :)

Dear Karissa.

I cant help but to think of you every time. I love you so much and I hope you know that.

Hey guess what.

I have my boyfriend back! :D

I'm cutting my hair right now. :)

My birthday is in 8 days. ;)

Sand&Shel. :)

My love, Sandi and I before our graduation.

Most of you may know her as Skeezer at Zeebruhhh. :)

I was just called white.

You have got to kiddin' me. I was called white because I said, "I'm down." Since when is that something only white people say?? Excuse me, but I've heard black people say it too. Does it even matter who says it?!

FML.

That "I don't even know anymore." feeling. It's the worst.

(via aliciag0nzales)

I've decided that starting next week I'm going to start writing in a notebook. I wouldn't call it a diary because I feel it will be more casual than a diary. I just want to jot down how I felt that day, what I saw, the things I've heard, the lessons I've learned, doodle, list, and do what ever my heart desires. I just want a piece of me to go on longer than that moment in time. I can try to remember things but to read about the experiences in my life would be so much more fulfilling

I did it !

I graduated,

I can live through anything if magic made it !

Hands down, the highlight of my night was that my dad came.

I haven't seen him in 10 years & he made it to my graduation!

I was in shock because I had no idea!

It was so surreal. I couldn't help but cry,

& neither could he.

Now I just hope he stays in my life. :)

Thank you daddy.

TODAY IS THE BIG DAY !

GRADUATION!
To be completely honest,

I'm more nervous than I am excited.

Don't get me wrong, I'm too excited,

but I find myself being nervous and anxious.

We're the only school that has a "parade",

meaning we walk a few blocks to the venue

because our school is downtown & so is the venue.

Anywho, I want to wear heels but that's a lot of walking and standing.

I also don't want to fall in front of thousands of people. :\

I can't wait nonetheless! : D

RE: Birthday List. [1]

THESE would be the ones that I want.
NOT the other ones.
I think they look a lot better in gray.
Yeah? :)

White washed.

(adj) - ¹To be assimilated into the N.A society, forgetting your own language and culture and tries to act like a white person to gain acceptance. Looked down upon both of the cultures he/she supposedly belongs in. ²What a black person is called, when they either look or act white, and their "blackness" is washed away, leaving white. ³A derogatory term used to describe a minority who has assimilated with western society.

I've already touched on this subject before but I feel like I should talk about it once more seeing as how for the past few days I've heard "Shelby, you're white." on more than one occasion. I've been hearing this for so long now that it doesn't even bother me anymore but I am a little irritated that people are so ignorant and closed minded to such a topic as this one. As far as the definitions I posted about what the term means, I suppose #2 would apply more to myself.

I don't like fried chicken and I don't remember the last time I had kool aid. I've never had weave, except my wig for prom, nor has it been a crazy color. I don't have visible tattoos on my neck, wrist, etc... I don't talk during a movie at the theater. I don't wear Apply Bottom, Baby Phat, Roca Wear, etc... I shop at Forever 21 and Goodwill. I don't steal or kill. I don't like thugs. I don't own $200 dollar shoes. I couldn't quote a Boosie, Webbie, or Waka Flocka song. I don't wear fake nails and if I do I don't get designs or 3D art. I don't have a big butt. I pronounce just about all of my words correctly and say "like" quite often. I don't cuss that much and if I do it's with a group of friends and I'm really cautious if there are adults around out of respect.Well today I let one slip. :)

I may sound like I'm stereotyping black people but in actuality I'm the one that's stereotyped because of these things. I honestly don't understand how some things can be a black/white thing besides the color of our skin and our origin. I remember one of my friends saying she was going to start listening to "white music" and it really rubbed me the wrong way because music is universal. It just so happens that a majority of a race prefers one over the other. I just so happen not to prefer rap because there is no soul behind the music. Just because I use correct grammar most of the time doesn't make me any less "black." Excuse me for being educated. Aren't we the ones who fought for such an opportunity as an equal education and we aren't even taking advantage of the fact that we have it? It's a shame that my own race believes I'm another because I choose to live a different lifestyle. I'm at a loss for words right now...

Supreme x Vans

When a girl says she's done, it means fight for her.

I have lost my mind.

Lol. Imma stop.
I'm annoying myself!

Love is an action.

Saying it < Showing it

"Whether people love you or hate,

you're still on their minds."

-Rev Run

That's all.

If he wanted to be with me, he would no matter what. If there are problems, we're supposed to work through them not avoid and walk around them. Communication was the reason why and honestly he's the one to blame. He isn't truly ready for this and I don't know how he made it this far. I wish him the best of luck. I cannot and will not sit around waiting for him. I'm certainly not moving on but I'm also not standing still. That is all there is to it.

I have a lot to say.

Excuse me while I gather my thoughts.

Reminder: you cannot Carry the burdens of the world nor can you carry the oppressions of its inhabitants.

(via erynizedfunk)

Birthday List. [2]

Tickets to Rihanna's Concert in Atlanta, July 28th.

Yall know I looovvvveeee her! I need those tickets! NEED THEM!

& since it's in Atlanta, we, whoever I may go with,

can make it a road trip and just drive the 4 hours down there!

I have GOT to see her!

"I'm fine."

I really need to stop replying with that when asked "How are you?"

Or "How you doinn'?" from the hood guys,
which is usually who I hear it from.

I'm getting tired of "Girl I know you fine." ,"You sholl is!" etc...
as their responses.

Boy get out my face with all that!

------------------------------

& another thing:
If you try to "holla" at me, realize that I am not a dog.
Do not yell at me, whistle, or call me "Lil mama" , "Ma" or "Shawty."
I am neither a dog nor said names.
If you do any of the things mentioned
and I don't acknowledge your presence,
I believe that's a hint for you, I'm not interested.
The biggest clue should be that I don't even look your way.
And after you finally comprehend my body language,
why do you insist on cussing me out and saying "You ugly anyways!"?
You basically let everyone around you know that you got dissed.
Let's please keep it civil.
Kthnx.

9 months?

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

There's a ladybird flying around and crawling on my ceiling.

I hear they're good luck. :)

Goodnight loves.

There's hope.

I finally conquered my fear of calling Jalen. I feel a lot better on where we stand and how things are going to go. The earlier posts were of myself being very bitter about the breakup and being very confused but I'm in a better place now. We're still not together but I can definitely wait, especially if it's for the better.

Birthday List. [1]

Jordan Spiz'ikes- Black/Ice Blue/Pink.

I need these.

Old but I love em.

Running for $115 at Foot Lockers.

I'll get them for myself. :)

His loss.

Enough of this sappy ishhh. Yeah I still love him but this will NOT ruin my graduation, 18th birthday & my summer. He can find his way back to me if he will, if not, life goes on. I'll certainly find my way without him eventually. I'm a big girl. :)

It just hit me.

That we may not be together again.
I don't think I've ever cried so hard instantly.
The reality of the situation literally hit me.
I've been numb all week...
but now I can feel every single emotion.

He has a hold on me and I think he realizes that.
One "I love you" text and all hope came to me.
As of this moment all hope is gone.

waiting...

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."

-Kahlil Gibran

Nails did.

I'll been getting a lot of love about my nails this week. All yellow with leopard on the ring fingers. It was a last minute thing because the pink glitter wouldn't come off so I had to make the colors work. It took me about 2 minutes. Next time I'll do all my fingers leopard and I'll try different colors. :)

They look a lot better in person. Camera phones suck.

Guess who's back.

I've been so anxious to get back to blogging. I have no idea what I was talking about "I can no longer confide in my blog." That's why I have it! I have a lot of things built up in me to share with the world. I've even made a list from the past five days, a looooong five days I might add. Be prepared. :)

Oh, and hi new followers. :)

Hiatus.

I'm obviously going through a lot in my life right now and I used to use my blog as a sense of comfort but I can no longer confide in it at this moment. While I figure out what is going on with my relationship, my family, and my friends, I don't think I'll be posting much, if anything at all. I'll say until after graduation, which is May 26th, is when I will be returning. I say that now but lokeidreams has become apart of me so I'll probably be back sooner than expected. But whenever I shall return, it won't be woeful as the last couple of days have been.
I'll still read and comment but I wont post anything myself.

maximum.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

This is the second most sensitive topic that I hate to talk about yet I feel I must right now.

Self esteem; how it can destroy you.

A lot of people may not believe that I have low self esteem, lack of confidence and no faith with myself but it has taken over my life completely. I'm always thinking about what others will think of me from what I wear, how I talk, etc... It's to the point sometimes that I don't even know how to take a compliment.

Most of the time I look at myself in the mirror and I feel absolutely unattractive and that sadden me because I look at other girls' pictures and I think that they are stunning and beautiful. I wonder why Jalen is with me sometimes and I think that he's going to not want to be with me any longer because I don't stand a chance against those other girls.There are a few moments when I feel beautiful but those moments don't last long at all. I'm not sure what triggers my change in thought but it's hard to continuously think of myself as pretty person.

I was always teased early on in middle school about how big my lips were. Later on in middle school, I started getting ridiculed about my body, or lack there of. While other girls had breasts and a little figure, I did not. As the years have past and my breast grew a lil larger, I started getting more attention from the guys and for the longest I couldn't accept that I had a "body" at that point. I remember in 6th grade this boy said to me. "God didn't bless you." I'll never forget it. I suppose that's how it all started.

My whole natural hair journeys has actually lowered my self esteem tremendously. All the "fine" or "badd" girls have long straight hair, weaves, color, etc... I'm terrified about what he'll think about me when I cut my hair. That's seriously the only reason I've considered not to cut my hair a few dozen times. I don't think I'll feel this way when I'm completely natural, maybe in the beginning, but it's just the whole transition process. I don't have much to do with my hair because I don't want to deal with it therefore I hate going to social events. I don't want to stand next to pretty girls, I just really don't want anything to do with most people. I feel like Jalen has missed the time in my life where I had myself together, where I was actually pretty.

I've been hearing rumors about Jalen lately and it isn't like I don't believe him when he says they aren't true, the trouble comes in where I don't have confidence to believe they aren't true. What's going through my head is "Well she is prettier than I am and she dresses better than I do." etc... It's me telling myself that they must be true. I'm still a little confused about the situation but that's another story...

I'd rather not post a list of things I hate about myself because that would be damn near everything.

In a nutshell, low self esteem can have negative outcomes which are completely unnecessary.

I need to learn to love myself, I realize that, but I also realize it'll take some time.

Also this isn't about me wanting attention and wanting people to tell me that I am pretty or whatever, this is genuinely how I feel and I just want to share it with others to show that this shit isn't healthy. So if you know someone like myself, all they need is a friend, someone there for them.

I have a lot more to write but I'm sure that if it's too long no one would read it and I'm sure you all get the point.

I'm not sure how dreams work, whether or not it is some parallel to the life of the person who dreams the dream.

This morning I actually had a dream that Jalen was leaving me for another girl. I won't go into details because it was fairly long. But I woke up sweating and crying. I'm not sure it only came up because of all the commotion that happened yesterday but it definitely has me spooked. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with my insecurities which i will discuss at a later time.

I don't know why I wrote this.
I don't want it annalized or anyone telling me how dreams really work.
All I know is, I don't like what's going on.

I graduate in less than 2 weeks.
I turn 18 in about 3 weeks.
& college is right around the corner.

So what am I so unhappy?

Mommie Dearest.

Carol Ann: She always loved you so very much.

Christina: I need to believe that. I need so much to be able to believe that now.

"You are a lousy substitute for someone who really cares."

I hate you.

J Smooth.

This is too rated R for my blog but I had to share.

So instead of posting the video I'll post the link.

It's actually on my other blog.

You may follow if you like. :)

GUYS TAKE NOTES.
(Jalen dont watch it. lol)

GIRLS ENJOY! :)

Click here.

I'd rather be home alone

or not home at all.

You Have Flaws & I can make exceptions

so in the long run, everything turns out to be perfection.

A boy.

I want a boy who will tell me when I’m being stupid. Who won’t baby me with his words. A boy who will still give time to his friends. A boy who will tell me ‘No’. He will watch stupid movies with me, but makes me watch his favorites also. A boy who’s willing to drop everything to be with me, but knows when to let it be. A boy who will know he’s important to me, but won’t mind when I change my plans to help someone out. I want a boy who’s enjoyable to look at, he doesn’t have to be gorgeous. I just want someone who I can pay attention to. A boy who will randomly bring me food, cause he knows I love to eat. A boy who can make jokes about me, a boy that I can laugh with. Someone who wont mind when I even embarrass myself. A boy who will buy me something, something I would actually want, none of that jewelry crap. Someone who doesn’t do everything I ask but when it comes to something important I can count on him to be there. Someone who I don’t feel threatened by. A boy who has other friends that are girls, but I can trust him with them. A boy who will know when to leave me alone when I have my stupid fits. A boy who I can just sit with. I don’t need the whole fairytale deal; I just want to feel comfortable.

(via love&beloved)

Perfect.

Relationships.

A friend of mine on facebook had a status saying "Relationships are overrated..." and to my surprise 22 people liked it!

I'm confused as to how 22 people who are 18 years old and under can feel that way. I'm also confused as to what's overrated about it. What has been said about relationships that aren't falling through for them?

I commented saying that only people who haven't been in relationships, have been in bad ones or have been in good ones that didn't last can say that. I should have said that those who don't have hope can say that. I've been in plenty bad relationships and I'm only 17. And after every one I've never thought of relationships to be overrated or a bad thing, I just know that that person wasn't right for me, that I was too young, things of that sort.

For teens to think that is quite upsetting because you haven't even graduated from high school yet and you feel this way about what I think is a beautiful thing. Having someone always on your side, someone to always talk to, someone to lift your spirits, and possibly someone to love is such a beautiful thing. I thought that mindset didn't start until you're like 35 and you realize you're all alone and have no one to come home to at night besides your 4 kitty's.

Wait-these are teens I'm talking about. More than likely they feel relationships are overrated because they are going to college in the fall or next year and they don't want to be tied down or worried about what the other is doing while they are away. Maybe it's because they enjoy the single life.

Either way. I dislike that saying and not because I'm in a relationship. If this were the 1930s (and black women were accepted by society) I would love to be married at 20 and be a stay at home wife like the women in Mona Lisa Smile, who felt it was their God given duty to be mothers and wives.

Ok I'm off topic...

I love Tiffany & Co. I have two necklaces and had two bracelets but I lost one. :(
Future husband, make up for that lost Tiffany bracelet with a Tiffany wedding ring. kthnx. :)

I really want a cupcake too!

excerpt from Araby:

"Every morning I lay on the floor in the front parlour watching her door. The blind was pulled down to within an inch of the sash so that I could not be seen. When she came out on the doorstep my heart leaped. I ran to the hall, seized my books and followed her. I kept her brown figure always in my eye and, when we came near the point at which our ways diverged, I quickened my pace and passed her. This happened morning after morning. I had never spoken to her, except for a few casual words, and yet her name was like a summons to all my foolish blood.

Her name sprang to my lips at moments in strange prayers and praises which I myself did not understand. My eyes were often full of tears (I could not tell why) and at times a flood from my heart seemed to pour itself out into my bosom. I thought little of the future. I did not know whether I would ever speak to her or not or, if I spoke to her, how I could tell her of my confused adoration. But my body was like a harp and her words and gestures were like fingers running upon the wires."

-James Joyce

Beautifully written.

Sigh.

I wish I could scratch my name off that damn Mothers Day card.
It doesn't mean anything anyways.
It doesn't change how I feel about her and it damn sure doesn't change how she feels about me.
Nothing is going to change between us.
We'll still argue and disagree and drive each other up the wall.

Our relationship will still be shit.

Happy Mothers Day.

That day has come...
..but I wish she would believe me when I say "I love you."
I really do.

The internet is KILLIN Kobe right now!

Yeah sooo these are the original pics:

& these would be the kicks and giggles:

Click here.

here.

& here.

here's a new one I found.
& another one.

I will be updating this post every time I find a new one.

I guess I'll stfu about the flood already.
It seems that no ones cares but me. :\

I can't go to sleep right now.
I'll paint all night.
Paint and eat sour cream and onion chips.

Think again.

If someone has to continuously tell people that he or she is grown and mature then he or she clearly isn't.

Same goes for being real and modest, etc etc...

Actions speak louder than words. If someone wants people to actually believe that he or she are said things then I suggest that person starts acting like it. Don't go around proclaiming that you're this and you're that but you aren't doing anything to prove and back your word up.

If one thing is true about people it's that they're all talk and no action.

Reflection.

Going down the interstates today, the same interstates that were flooded, made the feeling so surreal. I personally wasn't affected by the flood but my city was. Seeing all the pictures from the devastation was one thing (btw I just googled "devastation" and Nashville was the 4th search) but actually being in the exact locations made my heart hurt. Those very spots are were people lost their lives and their cars. I look past the rails on the interstate and I can see how all of the businesses had to basically strip the buildings to see what they could salvage and it wasn't much that they could. The missionary portable that floated down 124 and crumbled under the "currents" still remains with bits and pieces. Someone on facebook laughed at that. I was so angry because this isn't a laughing matter. People are dying and you're laughing. People are losing their homes and you're laughing. Visitors are stranded in this city and you're laughing. This shit isn't funny.

Going down these same highways I notice that on the electric billboards they are asking for volunteers and ways that we can help, on the other side they are asking that we conserve water because one of our two facilitates is down.One copy service business offered free service for the flooded businesses.

My teacher lost her home and a few students and co-workers went over to her place to help her out. I'm all about helping and I really wish I could but I love to see the city come together to help. There are also bottled water drop offs for families without water, etc etc...

There is over 1 billion dollars in damage. In Opry Land Hotel alone 3,000 people have lost their jobs, that isn't including Opry Mills Mall, our most popular and most employed mall, and The Grand Ole Opry, one of our most popular attractions. 8,000 bridges need to be surveyed. 3,000 people are without electricity.

Ugghhhh. I seriously can't talk about this without crying. The economy is already crap and now this. Im just so empathetic to everyone right now and I pray that things get better and we find our way. Just going though this has made me realize that you can never really be prepared for life.

I have so much on my heart that I can't put into words right now but I just had to get that little bit off of my chest. I don't think my friends and family know what I'm going through. I cant even imagine being in New Orleans during Katrina, cant even imagine.

I still can believe that all of this happened. Tennessee has never seen anything like this and I don't think we ever thought we would.

I love you all.

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

—	Oprah Winfrey

Exactly a month from today...

...I will be 18 !
Not only that but I will have my tragus pierced.

Not only that but I will be bald headed. : D
Not only that but I may possibly have a tattoo.

Gahhh !

knowles.

Solange > Beyonce

I know I post a lot of Beyonce, well not a lot, but certainly more than Solange. I find that very odd seeing as how when I'm not blogging and doing my own thing I'm listening to Solanges music, reading her blog, looking at her pictures. I actually prefer her over Beyonce.Your argument is invalid.

Btw- Beware of Solange spam coming. I will make you fall in love with her. :)
PS.- I'm still a fan of some of Beyonces music, like the video I posted yesterday so please don't jump too fast to call me a hypocrite. She's just been rubbing me the wrong way lately. kthnx.

Why do I freak out when a male friend of mine tell me I'm beautiful and that I amaze him?
Why do I feel guilty to even hear words like that, that aren't coming from the one it's supposed to?

0 to 60.

Funny how we can go from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds.
Usually I'd be all sad and stressed about it
but I'm fine and I'm not about to worry myself to death.
Even if things don't mend themselves tomorrow...

Maybe I need to get prepared...
...just a few months longer.

I'm aight.

easy to love.

This does not apply to my relationship but

MY GOODNESS THIS SONG & VIDEO IS ON IT!

RE: Splashville.

Correction: The official death count from the flood is 29.

19 of those 29 are from TN.
Oh and our water's getting cut off at 2 and they don't know when it's going to be cut back on. :\

Splashville.

18 confirmed deaths just in Tennessee alone.
There are others elsewhere.

The after math of Bluehole Rd and Antioch Pk.
The cars are piled on each other because the water was so high;
they were all floating around and when the water was gone they settled.
Millions of dollars of damage.

Our famous Opryland Hotel is completly destroyed and will not be restored until December. The water was about 6ft in the lobby of the hotel. The Oprymills mall was also flooded but I think damage isn't as bad as the hotel.

The Cumberland River rose about 52ft. All of 1st and 2nd Ave is flooded and the basements of businesses all the way to 5th Ave are flooded. Most if not all of these businesses don't have flood insurance. The power is also out for most business and residential locations.

We only have 2 water sources, one of which is down and they are asking us to conserve water.

The flooded water is also sewer water...and people are swimming in it. The news is saying that people need shots even the ones that are helping to restore things. Yuck.

:(

11:11

Make a wish! : D

Sweet tooth.

I just spent $15 on junk food.

Sour gummie worms.
Chocolate covered raisins.
Sweet Heat chips.
Cheez-it s
Whoopers.
Charleston Chews.
Sour Patch Watermelon.
Beef jerky stick.
Arizona Tea.
Arizona Pomegranate Green Tea

The italicized are what I bought for mama and sister.

Question: What's wrong with me?!
Answer: I'm on my freaking period and I need this ishh!
I crave sour gummie worms and chocolate covered raisins everytime I'm on.
The other stuff...well I got too excited and started picking things up.

And Im supposed to be saving money. :\

young&dumb.

I wish someone would have told me this about my virginity...
oh wait, they did.

“I had to lose myself so I could love you better.”

Nashlantis.

Death count now at 9 and 2 people are missing.

It's a shame that no one knows what middle Tennessee and surrounding areas are experiencing.
We are damn near the next New Orleans, when I say my city's underwater, I'm not joking.
The Cumberland River which goes through downtown Nashville has risen 48 ft so far.
It takes 50 ft until 2nd Ave is completely flooded.
Schools are destroyed. Streets ripped apart. Our water system is cut off.
Our best mall is freakin flooded.

:(

(Last Flood post. I think.)