“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

This is the second most sensitive topic that I hate to talk about yet I feel I must right now. 

Self esteem; how it can destroy you.

A lot of people may not believe that I have low self esteem, lack of confidence and no faith with myself but it has taken over my life completely. I'm always thinking about what others will think of me from what I wear, how I talk, etc... It's to the point sometimes that I don't even know how to take a compliment.

Most of the time I look at myself in the mirror and I feel absolutely unattractive and that sadden me because I look at other girls' pictures and I think that they are stunning and beautiful. I wonder why Jalen is with me sometimes and I think that he's going to not want to be with me any longer because I don't stand a chance against those other girls.There are a few moments when I feel beautiful but those moments don't last long at all. I'm not sure what triggers my change in thought but it's hard to continuously think of myself as pretty person.

I was always teased early on in middle school about how big my lips were. Later on in middle school, I started getting ridiculed about my body, or lack there of. While other girls had breasts and a little figure, I did not. As the years have past and my breast grew a lil larger, I started getting more attention from the guys and for the longest I couldn't accept that I had a "body" at that point. I remember in 6th grade this boy said to me. "God didn't bless you." I'll never forget it. I suppose that's how it all started.

My whole natural hair journeys has actually lowered my self esteem tremendously. All the "fine" or "badd" girls have long straight hair, weaves, color, etc... I'm terrified about what he'll think about me when I cut my hair. That's seriously the only reason I've considered not to cut my hair a few dozen times. I don't think I'll feel this way when I'm completely natural, maybe in the beginning, but it's just the whole transition process. I don't have much to do with my hair because I don't want to deal with it therefore I hate going to social events. I don't want to stand next to pretty girls, I just really don't want anything to do with most people. I feel like Jalen has missed the time in my life where I had myself together, where I was actually pretty.

I've been hearing rumors about Jalen lately and it isn't like I don't believe him when he says they aren't true, the trouble comes in where I don't have confidence to believe they aren't true. What's going through my head is "Well she is prettier than I am and she dresses better than I do." etc... It's me telling myself that they must be true. I'm still a little confused about the situation but that's another story...

I'd rather not post a list of things I hate about myself because that would be damn near everything.

In a nutshell, low self esteem can have negative outcomes which are completely unnecessary.

I need to learn to love myself, I realize that, but I also realize it'll take some time.

Also this isn't about me wanting attention and wanting people to tell me that I am pretty or whatever, this is genuinely how I feel and I just want to share it with others to show that this shit isn't healthy. So if you know someone like myself, all they need is a friend, someone there for them.

I have a lot more to write but I'm sure that if it's too long no one would read it and I'm sure you all get the point.