For this day.

I am thankful.

Off having a life.

Sorry for the lack of posts. College is overwhelming already.
There will be lots of pictures and updated info soon...LOTS.
Be prepared. :)

Kesh.

i thought my flame had been put out with the giant wave that crushed me and dragged me into the deep dark sea. but no! the flame (as small as it is) has survived the murky depths and together we are rising back to the surface.

Update: Moving out & Moving on.

• Tomorrow I move to campus. I'm still packing as we speak. Yes, I know I know. But I seriously don't know how to pack my life away for weeks and months at a time. It doesn't help that my room was already chaos before I started packing. In a sense, I don't really want to go. It's safe and comfortable here, home. I have no idea what to expect. It's so exciting and scary at the same time.
  I went to pick up a few last minute items at Wal Mart and I figured I'd get a few bras and panties. Let's be real, if there's ever a good time to get new underwear it would be not only a new relationship but also new living arrangements. Out with the old and in with the new. :) Anywho, I've never gotten bras from Wal Mart and I discovered that they don't carry my size! They carry 30A's and 44DDD's but no 34D's. Smh.
• A friend of Jalen's liked a few pictures of mine on Facebook today so I thought to go through all of my pictures just to see what was there. Eventually I saw a few pictures of Jalen and I and I instantly broke down crying. I haven't done that since we broke up. It in a way felt good to cry because every now and then I would tear up but never bawling crying. I was watching Tyra and she had specialists who could basically answer any question you had. This one this lady wanted to know the best why to get over a break up. The specialist said to find someone new. Which makes sense if you know anything about neurochemicals like dopamine and the effects love has on the brain. There's this new guy, well we've been friends for a few years but now we're talking more often, but I just can't get Jalen out of the back of my mind. I really don't want to go too far with the guy and mess it up. I still have hope in my heart about Jalen and I, which I hate, so I don't want to lead the guy on and Jalen and I miraculously get back together. *sigh*

At times.

Part of me wants you, part of me don't.
Part of me is missing you, part of me is gone.
Part of me is saying that the love is still strong.
Part of me is letting go...

Gauges.

I've decided to gauge my ears. For a few years I wanted the monroe piercing, then I wanted a septum piercing, and I've even thought about my nose. But I really don't think I should have facial piercings for future employment. I thought about gauges but I love all of my earrings too much so that was out of the question.

I was on YouTube the other day and this girl has her second hole gauged, meaning she can still wear all of her normal earrings. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm only going to go to a 6g plug, maybe smaller. I don't want them huge or anything. :)

Let your faith be bigger than your fear.

Before you can grow up, you must fall in love three times.

ONCE - You must fall in love with your bestfriend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship & more.

ONCE - You must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect, you will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve.

AND ONCE- you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you, this will teach you about who you are and who you want to be.

 

And when you’re through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones you needed the most.

But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this Earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.

(source unknown)

---------------------------------

I'm really not sure how I feel about this. I haven't fallen for my best friend, I did think Jalen was perfect, and I'm not in love with the person who is just like me. But it says "before you can grow up". So if you ask a group of people if they have fallen in love three times with the people described and the answer is no, does that mean they haven't grown up? What do that mean by "grow up"? They can't possibly mean in a mature sense right? Hmm...Maybe I'm thinking too much in it. Maybe it's stupid. Maybe it's actually true. Either way, it's certainly interesting.

In order to refer back to and receive only the important facts in a document, lets say for class or for work, you hi light everything that you need to know, and only the things you need to know. A lot of us do it right? But there's always that one person, or many, who hi lights every other sentence to where the paper gets to the point where it's all yellow. In your head you're thinking "Why the in the world did she just hi light the whole page. She should have just left it alone and read the whole thing again if that's the case." I just shake my head and laugh.

Grinds my Gears: #4

Okay imagine this, you're in your own room minding your own business with your door shut. Your door isn't locked because you have a mother who makes the rules. According to her it's "her" house and isn't allowing any secrets. But that's beside the point, the door isn't locked okay? And guess who walks in your room without knocking, your mother. She walks in just to ask you random questions about nothing, look for something, or "just to see what you're doin'", when it's completely obvious you're chillin aka minding your own business. So when she finally gets the hint that you don't feel like being bothered by ignoring her, she leaves. And when she walks out, she leaves your door open. The same door that was closed before she invited herself in.

-_____________-

You have got to be kiddin' me.

Wallpaper.

On my laptop. I love my fam! :)

Go shorty shorty!

I went to GA this weekend. I'm sure a lot of you didn't know, just that one guy who doesn't exist.
I'll post pics now and stories later. :)

August 22, 2010.

This day means something. It means a lot.

Except now, it means nothing at all.

I'm not sure if I'm the person I think I am and that scares me more than actually being the person I don't want to be. I'd rather be certain than uncertain of my being.

Prayer is a waste of time...

I didn't post this video because I truly believe prayer is a waste of time if you don't do it a certain way. I wouldn't call myself a great prayer at all. I posted this video because she did have very useful tips and information to help me a little better in my spiritual journey.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?

I'm falling to pieces...

"If He is Not Jealous He is Not in Love."

There was a much heated debate about this on facebook. I was gung ho for the statement being true. Before I begin let's turn the tables around and say "If She is Not Jealous She is Not on Love." Let's not limit the gender. Also, I would like to substitute jealousy for other adjectives very similar or that accociate with jealousy, like anger and rage.

Ok, we can look at this at a biblical perspective:

          1 Corinthians 13:4-7
⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Now to be honest. I think I'll stop there. I'm no longer gung ho. Lol. Yes, I know I know but seriously. It's the Word. But I will continue to explain why I believed it to be true in the beginning:

The reason why my young naive self thought it was true was because I know how I felt/feel being in love. Jalen and I didn't go to the same school and we lived about 30 minutes apart. I was always jealous of who's spending more time with him or jealous of the fact that the females at his school saw him 5x more than I did. It wasn't fair to me. I guess where I'm going with this is that if I wasn't in love with him, would I not care? Would I be less jealous? I'm looking at it where, a partner should show signs of emotion at times like that because it does show that they care. Let's change the situation. Say you and and your partner are at a party and you leave for a few minutes to take a break or whatever. When you return, your partner is talking to someone else of the opposite sex, laughing, having a good time... The music is pretty loud so they're close, only because they have to hear each other's words right? But you on the other hand don't know what's being said nor the reason why they're so close. Jealousy, anger... I don't know where I'm going with this actually...
How about you just for get that whole last part. As time went on I realized how wrong I was going to sound.

Someone also said in the debate that if they trusted their partner than there is no reason for them to be jealous. I argued that trust and jealousy do not go hand and hand. I trusted Jalen, it were the people around him that I were jealous of; I wouldn't say I didn't trust them. (Although there were times...)

After I thought about it, I decided to go to the Word. I'm very familar with the scriptures so I'm not sure why it didn't cross my mind. Actually, I do. I was living in the flesh and not in the spirit. I know that I love Jalen, and still do, and in our relationship I associated my jealousy with loving him. Since that's how I felt at times, I believed that that was what it was...

"You're pretty for a black girl."

That is not a compliment!

"Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o’clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap."

I have terrible friends.

They peer pressured me into buying this 25$ denim corset. Don't get me wrong, I love it to death! But I'm an 18 year old college student not a 21 year old working at a brothel. I have no idea what to wear with it so that I don't look like trash. :\

Update:

I guess I forgot to mention that NO, I will not be wearing any type of denim with it. I just so happen to have the shorts on when I tried it on and took pics.

No game having niggas.

EXCUSE MY USAGE OF THE N WORD.

I NEVER USE IT BUT IT IS HIGHLY NEEDED

BECAUSE GUYS NOWADAYS ARE IGNORANT!

Ok you found out I'm now single on facebook but that does not mean "Come holla at me! I'm free. Get at me with your lame ass pick up lines!". No just no! Stop while you're ahead because you will get your feelings hurt. I don't have the patients to be nice anymore.

Yesterday this guy I.M.'d me on Facebook:

Him: hello i heard u were looking for mr right
Me: lol. no, not really.
Him: lol well then ive seemed to ahve lost my number do u mind if i have yours lol

I didn't even respond. Like are you serious??

Another I.M. yesterday:

Him: your beautiful.
Me: Lol thank you.
(we go on to talk about middle school for a minute or two)
Him: your sexy
Me: Lol. Well thank you...again.
Him: Can an old friend get your number?
*I didn't respond* (2 minutes later)
Him: ....

If I don't repond that does not mean pester me with ellipses.

Now today was like my last straw. This was via wall post:

Him: hi beautiful
Me: :) whats up?
Him: jus speak'n C'n if irly lke wht iC
Me: lmaoo. word.
Him: whtzz so funny
Me: nothing .
Him: im @ a lil Cross road lol
Me: what cross road?
Him: umm C im a Collecter of beautiful rare thnq u ur 1 of them bt iwntd 2 qet w/u
Me: oh. well thanks for the "beautiful rare thnq" compliment. :) but im not sure how i feel about being "collected"...
Him: lol itzz a meaphor azz 2 say iqo&luk 4 beatiful ppl 2 hav azz friednzz or wht nt ya'mean
Me: lmaoo. its a shame that you have to go and look for em. haha. jk. :)
Him: itzz nt 2me Cuzz ido whteva ifeel lke doin' bt u jus qotta wnt it 2 yo
Me: haha. um...i think ill pass. im only passing because im still not sure what's going on but thanks for the offer!
Him: udnt knw whtzz qoin' on w/wht...umm r sinqle ? if so iwnt 2 @ least tak u on a date or sumn 1day o.k
Me: no. im not single. (now yall know i am. lmaoo)

He can't be serious! He wanted to collect me! Smh.

Yall need to do better. This is why I don't I'M folk on Facebook. This is why I don't go anywhere. This is why I don't give guys the time of day. This is why I'm thinking about getting a white boy. lol. Jk. :)

Roadtrip.

My Friday night ended Saturday morning at 2 a.m.
My Saturday started at 6 a.m. to get ready for a roadtrip that I found out about at 6 a.m. Lol.

False alarm.

I've decided that you are the him for me. Okay this isn't what I was going to write but that song popped into my head as I was typing...anywho...

I've decided that I'm going keep my blog because Lokei Dreams is my baby! I've actually been thinking about deleting it for awhile because I honestly don't get as excited to blog like I used to and a lot of things are going on in my life. One thing after another. I'd probably go crazy the second it's gone after I realize that I've made a huge mistake.

I've already neglected my other blog Natural Beautie, my last post was over two weeks ago, and my tumblr, is all kinds of nothing right now.

I just know that once school starts I won't have as much time to blog anymore. I actually hope that's the case because that means I'm out having a life, having fun, and living the college experience. But I will certainly make time to the best of my abilities to update and give inspirational quotes because I know some of yall love them and Lord know I need them. :)

No dream is too big...

                        ...when the sky is the limit.

I wish I wasn't.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

[Verse 1]
I'm home alone again
And you're out hangin with your friends
So you say
Somehow I know it's not quite that way
It's getting pretty late
And you haven't checked on me all day
When I called you didn't answer
Now I'm feeling like your ignoring me
And I wish I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret

[Chorus:]
I wish I wasn't in love with you
So you couldn't hurt me
it just ain't fair the way you treat me
No you don't deserve me
Wasting my time thinking bout you when you ain't never gon change
I wish I wasn't in love with you so I
wouldn't feel this way

[Verse 2]
When you touch me my heart melts
(And everything you did wrong I forgive)
So you play me and take advantage
Of the love that I feel for you
Why you wanna hurt me so bad
I believed in you that's why I'm so mad
Now I'm drowning in disappointment
And it's hard for me to even look at you
I wish I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Said you care about me
But from what I see
I ain't feeling that
So I disagree
Gave you all my love
And understanding
And you're treating me like your enemy
So leave me alone
Don't want nothing from you
Just go back where you came from
This house is no longer your home
You are not welcome no no no more

[Chorus]

Updates: too tough to swallow.

• I lost my job 2 weekends ago. My last day was the 4th. I didn't get fired nor did I quit. Things just happen...
• I saw Jalen for the first time in over a month today. Did we speak? No. For good reasons; I tried to avoid him, also I was on foot and he in the car. I don't think I would even be able to speak if I actually stood in front of him. Oh, we also had a conversation last night via Facebook that I wish didn't occur. I was the first to message him but I really didn't expect a reply. I just really don't want to talk to him...ever if I can help it.
• I move on campus in 11 (almost 12) days. The 26th to be exact. I'm not ready.
• I just found out I'm going to be an aunt.

I'll probably be deleting this blog within the next week or so...

Grinds my Gears #3:

Please do not try to correct me on something irrelevant to our conversation, especially if your "correction" is synonymous to whatever it was the I was saying.

Example:

I was on the phone a few days ago and I had said, "...there are so many things..." And the person I'm on the phone with says something along the lines of, "...no, no, no. There are a plethora of things..."

Uh...excuse me?? Okay, see, the fact that I told you like 3 minutes before that I like to read and write does not make you obligated to try to correct or expand my vocabulary. You are not someone that I feel the need to impress with words.

By the way babyboy, I learned the word "plethora" when I was 8 years old...

Oops.

I hope he won't be too mad. :\

Perfect stranger.

I spoke to a stranger today.
We conversed for an hour and a half.
It was new and refreshing.
I don't hold conversations too well.
usually don't know what to talk about,
but there were plenty of things to dicuss.
It was nice and it went well...

Movie night.

I decided to get off of the computer for once and do something. Now that we don't have cable anymore I thought it would be a good idea to have movie night with just myself like I've done in the past. I went through all of our DVDs and realized I had watched all of them about a million times and could quote every line. I came across an old school classic, Cornbread, Earl, and Me.

You see that lil cutie on the cover with hair that resembles mine? That would be Laurence Fishburne in 1975, when he was 14. You know, guy from The Matrix, Boyz n the Hood, and Akeelah and the Bee. Well Cornbread, Earl and Me was his first debut acting role. (He played "Me", Wilford Robinson).

I really enjoyed this movie. There is bad acting, dramatic scenes and racial profiling, but if you can look past all of that, you should be able to enjoy it also. It has a great storyline and plot but I have to admit a few scenes did not belong at all.

Oh, and I watched it while eating cookiedough ice cream. :)

Did I just do a movie review?

High off the love , Drunk from the hate .

If you follow me on Tumblr or is my friend on Facebook, I'm pretty postive you're sick of this picture and quote but this has got to be my favorite picture of me of all time! I think I'm going to get copies made and it blown up or something. Geez, I'm sexy in this pic. Lmao. Oh! & sorry about the boobs! :)

"...pass by without speaking and I remember there was a time you could barely take your eyes off me."

I hate him. Such a strong word to use toward someone I love so much but nothing else can describe how I feel. I am so furious because I knew this was going to happen and I tried everything in my power to prevent it. I'm angry because I'm going through the same shit I went through last year, the same shit I tried to keep from occuring. I'm upset because I let myself forget that this is reality and not my fantasy. He lied to me and gave me false hope; I gave myself false hope. He was showing me everything I needed to know but I didn't want to accept it. I should have known...

I was reading his actions, not hearing his words.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is my last post about the situation, for the sake that I really don't want to think about it, although that's inevitable, and the fact that I'm sure I'd irk some nerves talking about it.

"Your silence speaks volumes."

From my Tumblr: 08.10.2010.

Honestly, I hate being single.

At the moment I’m not. My boyfriend, whom I love to death, and I have been together for a year but it’s about to come to an end for reasons I’d rather not discuss. But I’m dreading the break or break-up, whatever you shall call it. The reason I hate being single so much is because that’s not the kind of person I am. I’m a hopeless romantic who thrives off the love of a significant other. I don’t see the fun in being single if that isn’t the type of lifestyle I crave.

Bascially, I’m a modern day “1950’s Wellesley girl” (except I’m black).

I dream of the husband and the kids. I dream of love and I want it as soon as I can. People say to me, “Don’t you want to be single your first year of college?” or “Why do you want to get married so young? Don’t you want to enjoy your life?” That’s just not the person I am. No, I don’t want to be single in college and I will enjoy my life, as a young married mother…

 

--------------------------------

By the way- I'm not the type of woman who feels she needs a man to be happy. That's not the point I'm making at all.

He got away.

He got away.


Just when I think I'm strong enough, I start having crying spells.
I feel so dumb for getting myself into this mess.
I knew a year ago this was going to happen, but I took a chance and went for it.
& it hurts worst than I ever could have imagined...

Here's what you are.
↑ Click! Click! Click! ↑








I hope your day has been made. ^_^

I must learn.

"I must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries."

- Theodore Isaac Rubin

"They say if you love something you’ve got to let it go.

And if it comes back then it means so much more."

-Heather Headley

The one that got away.

What if the one that got away came back?

Should you let them back in or keep them out? They say "ex's are ex's for a reason" but does that apply to all persons? If someone is no longer in your life, does that mean that it's how it should be. Just because the relationship, and I don't just mean a romance, didn't work out the first time, does it mean that there is never a time that it should work? They also say if you let something go and it comes back then it means so much more. As if he, she or it should have never gotten away, as if it were a mistake that he, she or it, slipped through your grasp.

I suppose it depends on whether you're a realist or an optimist.

A realist would believe that "Things happen for a reason." and that if a certain someone walked out of your life, it was for a reason. An optimist would be hopeful that if a certain someone walked out, they would return and it be a sign that it's how thigs should be.

Just a thought.

I'm cool like that!

I finally got my mutha truckin' tragus pierced!

I freaked out the whole time I was at Ink Gallery. (Ask Sandi. I was acting like a lil poon poon!)

I screamed! But I didn't mean too. I tried to hold it in but man... It wasn't that loud, although folks in the lobby heard me. Lmao.

The first night sleeping with it was fine but let me tell yall about last night!

Ok, so you know when you're sleep you basically have no conscious, right? Well while I was sleeping I felt something in my ear, (which later I realized was my earring touching the other side of my ear...does that make sense?) and without thinking I dug into my freakin ear where the freakin bar is! It hurt like hell! Worst than getting it pierced! It wasn't until a few minutes later that I realized my ear was bleeding badly! Like blood was pouring out of my ear! Drippin and ishh! :(

But it's all good now. Only thing is, I have a blood clot on the bar that I must somehow find a way to get off without irritating it. Ughhh.

But I've been waiting 3 years for this.

It was all worth it and I love it.

Btw- My mama found out about it yesterday. She wasn't too happy. *shrug*

This is "See ya later."

Weekend with my girls for the last time before college.

It was so bittersweet. *tear*

Series of events:

• We went shopping in Murfreesboro (about 20 min from where I live). They have a Forever21 which we about pee'd ourselves over we were so excited. Reason being, the Forever21 in Nashville had gotten flooded. :(
• We then went out to eat at a local favorite, Casa Fiesta. Obviously a mexican joint. When we first got their Netta tried to steal our stop, so we acted a little crazy while the people on the balcony laughed and watched. "Back up bitches!!!"
• Before we headed back to my house we stopped by Wal Mart. "Why?" you may ask. Well just because. We get's down like that. Haha. Took pics in the bathroom.
• Oh! I forgot to mention that after we ate this broad tried to jump stupid with us! Little did she know it was 7 of us. :)
• Went back to my house and stayed up until 5 in the am! We talked about everybody and everything.
• Sandi and I were going to go to Wave Pool but ended up going straight to Ink Gallery (Tattoo/Piercing Parlor). She got two cute little bows on her hips area and I got my tragus pierced!
• We then met up with the other girls for Alex's Going away cookout. Her people acted a donkey! Lmao.

I'm going to miss my girls! I love yall.

This isn't goodbye, it's see ya later! :)

A good cry.

12:14am.
I feel it.  My body knows what it needs, a good cleansing of my spirit and soul.
I have yet to let them go.
But soon enough I will.


12:26am.
Slowly one tear fell upon my cheek, then another. I shut my eyes so that they won't escape but they're a lot stronger than I am. "Crying isn't a sign of weakness. From birth it has always been a sign that we're alive."

I'm sitting here right now showing myself that I am alive.

"….take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it."

same name, different meaning.

ho·mon·y·mous
adj.

1. Having the same name.
2. Of the nature of a homonym; homonymic.

No, I'm not "in the closet".  -____-

"Nobody Wants an Ambitious Girl"

"See I like the person that you are but I'm in love with the person that you have potential to be.

And all your dreams, share em with me, and your secrets, bury em with me.

And the flaws, you aint even got to mention to me.

Ambitious Girl, you just wanna win.

And you'll rather chase your dreams than to try and chase these men."

Fact #10:

I like to cook in my underwear.

Actually, I like to do most everything in my underwear. Applies as I type this...

This should play everytime I make an entrance:

Just saying. *shrug*

"Baby use your head."

But instead I chose to use my heart.

Homonymous.

I never want him to call me that again.

I refuse, I refuse, I refuse to be called it as long as my blood is pumping,

& oxygen is going though my left and right nostril and to my lungs.

I want to say a lot of terrible things and bad words right now but I'm trying to do better. Like I've said before, I'm way too sensitive for my own good, or anyone else's for that matter. My emotions hurt myself and others around me way too often. I seriously want to punch her, him and everyone else in their faces and walk away with my middle finger in the air.

"I know most of you are confused about my relationship status, well so am I."

I really want to put that as my Facebook status.

Ignorance towards natural hair.

Once again I'm faced with ignorance about my hair. The "Afro Angel" pics I posted, I also posted on facebook. I've gotten a lot of postive comments and "likes". I really didn't care what people thought about it, good or bad, I just wanted to show how bold and out of the box I am. I wanted to show that I'm not ashamed of who I am. I'm very proud of myself for those pics.

I was on the phone with my ex/best friend Jeremy, the one I wrote about, and he said to me, "Bruh. When are you cutting your afro?" and started laughing. I was very confused by the question because for one you can't just cut off an afro and for two, I didn't go natural just for the kicks and giggles! I said "never" and his response was laughter again and "You are not going to be walkng around with an afro." Excuse me?? Why can't I? I'm not doing it to please you or anyone else. And no, I don't plan to wear an afro. I style my hair so that it curls. And he's seen my hair before, curly... So I'm like what the fuck. Please grow up for a second.

What people don't understand is that all black people/african americans have curly hair for the most part. There are things we can do to make our hair curl. Our hair is kinky and curly. The afro's people see are just combed out curly hair and that's exactly what I did to achieve that look.

Jeremy also keeps asking me what I'm going to do with my hair once it's longer. His small mind to natural hair is that I can only wear an afro when it gets longer. Natural hair is very versatile.

I seriously can't wait to prove everyone wrong. But once again I'm not doing this for them. This is what I want; It's for me.

Afro Angel.

Afro Angel, born against the world.

You don't have to sell your soul and throw away your pride.

Afro Angel, sent from heaven above.

Never forget that you are loved,

You know that you are loved.