I just want a chance to fly.

I had the actual video up but because of copyright issues and all of that it was taken off of youtube. But here's just the song, please take the time out to listen. & when you get a chance, look up the official video. Beautiful.

Window seat

Don’t want nobody next to me

I just want a chance to fly

A chance to cry

And a long bye bye..

But I need you to miss me

Need somebody come get me

Need your attention

Need your energy yes I do

Need someone to clap for me

Need your affection

Somebody say come back

Come back baby come back

I want u to need me

Come back come back baby come back

why Rihanna why?

 
Why must you be so effin hott?!
Why must you make me want to relax and cut my hair?!
Do you know what you're going to me???

Corrupt childhood.

LOLLIPOPS TURN INTO CIGARETTES. THE INNOCENT ONES TURN INTO SLUTS. HOMEWORK GOES IN THE TRASH. MOBILE PHONES ARE BEING USED IN CLASS. DETENTION BECOMES SUSPENSION. SODA BECOMES VODKA. BIKES BECOME CARS. KISSES TURN INTO SEX. REMEMBER WHEN GETTING HIGH MEANT SWINGING ON THE PLAYGROUND? WHEN PROTECTION MEANT WEARING A HELMET? WHEN THE WORST THINGS YOU COULD GET FROM BOYS WERE COOTIES? DAD’S SHOULDERS WERE THE HIGHEST PLACE ON EARTH AND MOM WAS YOUR HERO? YOUR WORST ENEMIES WERE YOUR SIBLINGS. RACE ISSUES WERE ABOUT WHO RAN THE FASTEST. WAR WAS ONLY A CARD GAME. AND THE ONLY DRUG YOU KNEW WAS COUGH MEDICINE. WHEN WEARING A SKIRT DIDN’T MAKE YOU A SLUT. THE MOST PAIN YOU FELT WAS WHEN YOU SKINNED YOUR KNEES, AND GOODBYES ONLY MEANT UNTIL TOMORROW? AND WE COULDN’T WAIT TO GROW UP?

“I’ve learned in life that you’ll get criticized more from losers than you will from winners.”

—	Nicole Richie

Chasing after shadows...living with the ghosts.

Obviously she's my current obsession...again.
Oh, and Solange. :)

It wasn't until...

...3:02am that I finally decided to hide under the sheets. My last thought, "He saved my life."

Man, he has no idea.

It's 1:29 am.

I can't seem to sleep; So many things are going through my mind.

It's now 1:38. I just sat here looking at the computer screen for the last nine minutes eating frozen fruit. I really wish every possible pain was no more, emotional as well as physical. There isn't anything I want more in the world than happiness. Because it's not fair. No one asked to be here. This is something we have to do, life is something that happens no matter what, unless you took that opportunity from yourself, someone else, or nature. Why must we go through life dealing with other people's shit. ? I can't fathom the concept that "Life isn't fair." because it should be. "Fair" is a decision. To cheat isn't fair. To lie isn't fair. To eat half the cookies in the box knowing good and well that your sister hadn't had any, isn't fair. Life isn't fair. But why? I have a feeling it just talked in circled and didn't make any sense whatsoever...

1:49. The bowl of fruit is gone.

1:50. I really just want to close my eyes, open them again and be walking across the stage clutching my college diploma and not looking back. Let's get on with life already! When will it begin?!

1:52. Why can't we be who we want to be? Why do others' opinions matter so much? Why must we seek approval of ourselves from the people who matter the least? & why do compliments not set well with my soul? Why do we want to know the truth yet deny it?

1:57. "The nineteenth twenty first-century dislike of realism is the rage of Caliban seeing his own face in a glass. The nineteenthtwenty first-century dislike of romanticism is the rage of Caliban not seeing his own face in a glass."

2.01. Do you ever sit and ask yourself “Am i really here, is this all real?”

2.03. As much as I hate life, I love it all the while. Why? Because along with the bad, there as some good in the world and I take note and acknowledge them all. Seriously I do. You should too. :)

2:18. I have to go to church this morning and then I'm having a huge family dinner. My sister's 19th birthday is Monday. I suppose I'll at least try to sleep. It'll do me some good.

Goodnight. 2:20.

tell me about it...

im sorry...

...im only human, after all.

7 months.

7 things I love about Jalen:                          

• His gap.
• The way he kisses me on my forehead when I'm supposed to be sleeping on his shoulder.
• He got a big ego ha ha ha, such a big ego, uh uh uh, I love his big uh uh uh...
• Them crazy haircuts he gets on a regular basis. 
• The only thing he doesn't like about his body is a tiny scar on his right arm...the only thing. (that I'm fully aware of)
• His passion for football. Not because it's football. It's just nice to be very passionate about something and in his case, football.
• This great man has a great family that means so much to him.

I've been shopping a lot latley and here's just a FEW of my purchases...

I also apologize in advance of the poor cell phone quality pics.

& as you may soon realize, I only for the most part shop off of clearance racks and Goodwill. More than likely, if it's not on sale I won't buy it. Unless it's of course BANGIN!

Floral top from Wet Seal. On sale for $9.99. Org. $22.

Brown leather jacket from JC Penny. On sale for $13.57. Org. $68.

Miley Cyrus Bow tank from Wal Mart. On sale for $3. Org. $10.

Charlotte Russe blazer from Goodwill. 99 cents.

Miley Cyrus graphic feather tee from Wal Mart. On sale for $3.

Military cargo jacket from Goodwill. $4.29. I think.

Miley Cyrus dreamcatcher graphic tee from Wal Mart. On sale for $3.

Spring skirt with pockets from JC Penny. On sale for $12.50. Org. $24.

Black sandals from Wet Seal. On sale for $10. Org $14.50.

Black studded pumps from Burlington Coat factory. On sale for $9.99.
[My fav purchase!! These are my babies!]

My van look-a-like buddies from Target. :) $9.



*Other things I've bought recently*
Miley Cryus cardigan's from Wal Mart $3 each. (In gray and vanilla)
Napoleon Dynamite hoodie from Goodwill. 99 cents. Lol.
Pin stripe dress pants from Goodwill. 99 cents.
Gray dress pants from Goodwill. 99 cents.
Lots more...

only mode of transportation...

M.C. Hammer slide of course. ♥

I will forever live this. :)

RE: Adolescent Ignorance

Ok, I'm sure my rant was pretty over the top. No, I don't hate my generation. I just really wish we would do better. It's not a good look. I remember this one quote:

When I first read it I was all gung ho with the concept. But it's wrong! 

I'm sure our parent's didn't raise us to be gang-bangin, alcohol drinkin, weed smokin, sex havin, bank robbin, potty mouth kids!

I think I just defeated my purpose of writing this. I just got mad all over again. Lol. 
But yeah, once again, I don't hate it, I just don't agree with it.

Adolescent Ignorance

This post secret is very much actuate to how I feel about my generation. The number might be a tad bit higher on my part though. I really don't understand anything that teens and young adults do and it drives me crazy. Yesterday while at work a co-worker, who just turned 18, asked another for a cigarette. It just made me sick to my stomach. Here are a list of things I can't stand about my/our generation, starting with smoking:

Smoking: What is the point? Why must you do it at a young age or at all? I understand that it can be a stress reliever but most of the teens who smoke aren't even stressed. Do you like taking years off of your life? Do you enjoy looking all old too early? I just don't understand. Even weed. People have told me "the high is like no other" and blah blah blah. "It makes you feel good." I'm sorry but I have other ways of feeling good. Weed may not be a drug to some people, but an "herb" or whatever but it's still killing brain cells and causing damage to your lungs. Whhhyyyy??

Drinking: Before I start I would like to state that I used to drink and that whatever I'm about to say isn't going to be hypocritical because I am certainly getting on myself. Once again, what's the point of drinking?? In 2008, three of my friends had died (January, September, & October) so that whole year I was messed up. When the second friend died, I couldn't take the pain so I started drinking to numb it; in October it just got worse. I can't even remember what happened some nights because it was that bad. I found myself in situations that I couldn't get out of but I could have prevented them by coping with my trauma better.And because of one major incident that occurred I told myself I would never drink again. I've only had a few sips over the past year or so but never ever will I get drunk. Drinking only made my situation worse. And I wish other kids knew the dangers of drinking underage. Just because all the rappers talk about it in their songs and talk about all the glitz and glamor of drinking, there's still really no point. It's just like smoking. Ughhhh. I hate this topic. Moving on....
Gangs: GANGS HAVE GOT TO BE THE MOST STUPID THING KNOWN TO MAN!! There are a poop-load of stupid things on this earth and gangs are at the top of my list. Gangs are pointless and cause unnecessary drama between people. Who cares if he's wearing what color?!?! I bet if you sat down and talked to the guy he'd be pretty cool. But NOOOO they all get wrapped up in being "apart" of something that they don't care. Why can't we all just be the same people? I will never understand this at all and it hurts my heart to the fullest.
Clothes/shoes/jewelry/cars: Material things are so important to this generation and it's ridiculous. I'm done here. I just really wish people would understand it's not about what you have but who you are.
Cursing/cussing: Once again, I'm slightly guilty of this one. Cussing is stupid and that's why I've been trying to stop. It's completely ignorant and shows lack of vocabulary to express how we feel about someone or something, even reactions to situations. BUT my problem comes in where a group of kids are talking and every other word is a cuss word, yet there's an adult standing two feet away. I find that completely disrespectful and it irritates me how young people don't take that into consideration. I understand you're having a good time with your friends but at the moment in time, must you use profanity and so loud? Thats' my number one thing on this topic, please don't cuss around adults. Please.
Sex: I should probably do some explaining on this one too before I get started. I have had sex. Only with two people because I loved them. I like sex but I don't go around having it willy nilly just because I like it. I am a christian and to some degree don't believe in sex before marriage BUT I also don't believe marriage is a couple rings and a piece of paper. I have only had sex because I felt that emotional connection. I have been celibate for about nine months because I'm actually trying to wait until I have a ring and sign the lil paper because it's more stable that way. My problem with teens and sex is that it's no longer a sacred thing between two lovers, it's turned into something vulgar. Just because you get a lil horny doesn't mean have sex with any and everybody.

Ughhhh! I don't even know what else to say anymore. This post has drained me out.

killuhh.

Pow! In the kisser...

Disclaimer: I am in no way, shape, or form endorsing violence. I merely see this image metaphorically. 

only a week and a half.

Jalen and I went to see She's out of my league, went to 3 banks because I'm slow, went to Target to get nine dollar buddies, and then went to IHOP and laughed and chilled and had a good time. Even though I had to pay, I don't mind. Even though he pretended to leave me, I don't mind. That's what we do. Play around, joke, laugh, act silly together.

As he dropped me off he had this saddened look on his face. I tried not to notice. He put my leftovers on the hood and dropped my Target bag and hugged me so tight. I tried not to notice that either. I ended it far too quickly than I should have. As he walked me to the door, the looked still remained. He said "It won't be awhile until I see you again." My response was "It's only a week and a half." We kissed and I went in to the house.

It's not only a week and a half. I miss him so much already and it's only been an hour. What the heck was I thinking? By the time I realized it, it was too late for him to come back. And right now all I want to do is cry. I will have to swallow my words for the next week and a freakin' half.

“we drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”

—	George Carlin

A few days ago I realized that Jalen & I are meant to be. Hear me out:

In 8th grade (2006) I wanted to go to the University of Tennessee because I had a friend on myspace (yes, myspace) who played football for them. I was all like "Ooh. Imma go there and he gon see me and we gon fall in love and be happy." Mind you, I have never talked to him, seen him in real life or anything. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know I exist, now and then. Eventually I had forgotten all about him and going to UT. As a matter of fact I hate the color orange. That's pointless.

So a few days ago when I remembered all of that, it clicked, Jalen wants to play football for the University of Tennessee! And chances are he will! Weird huh??

I'm not completely serious about this either...I don't think.

Don't judge me. :\

Wale.Drake.KidCudi.

Together.at.once.I.wish.I.was.those.dryers.Too.much.sexiness.in.one.picture.How.is.it.even.possible.
I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.I.love.them.

Mommy's birthday cake.

Her birthday was March 6th...I'm a little late. Get over it. :)

It's a dragon!
Duhh loser.

Use your noodle. C:

"Tell em you aint superwoman, baby"

     Sometimes at work we could be over staffed and it turns out to become a really slow day causing a few employees to go home. Other days we could be severely under staffed yet it becomes surprisingly busy and there is no way for us to call people in therefore we have to make due. This particular day it was the latter. The concession stand is like an island in the middle of the lobby; If I'm facing one register than the other is directly behind me. Suddenly a wave of people were at both registers and I was the only one back there. I had to make it work going from register to register so that it would be a little fair and also give people a chance to settle on their final order.

     I was exhausted, tired, and upset that I had to do it all by myself. It wasn't like it was the first time but it doesn't have to be the first, no one gets used to being overworked and underpaid. Just before finishing up an order I hear, "Tell em you aint superwoman, baby. You aint got a 'S' on your chest." The petite lady looked at me and smiled while she made herself comfortable on the counter while fanning herself with her hand.  I just smiled as she waited for me to finished up the last order and take hers.

     That was all it took for me to instantly feel like the weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Sometimes that's all we ever really need, is someone to tell us it's okay and it'll be alright. To feel like we have to conform to what others want us to become is absolutely absurd in the matter that putting too much pressure on one individual could possibly cause damage that was never intended. No one should ever have to feel like their best wasn't good enough for anyone's standards, including their own. We all could just use a break.

sometimes it's better left unread.

The funny thing about wanting to be a great writer is that a lot of times it involves wanting to share what you write and wanting people to like it, but the problem with that is I feel like most of us write our best stuff when we think no one’s going to bother to read it.

hello...? where was my memo??

I wish I would've known about this whole Love Your Body Month thingy! I saw all the things around my school and ishh but dawggonit why didn't I put two and two together?? I think it's so cool and inspiring because I could use a lil TLC with my freakin body, ya know? Well since we're two weeks well in the month I guess I won't do it this year but next year can someone puhh-leeze let me know?! :)

Shoutout to the blogger that I know is doing it:

simplest form of an elle.

I lovveee that blog to the fullest!

eat your heart out.

Natural Beautie blog.

Some of you may know that I'm going natural. It's been a really tough journey so far but I'm sticking to it because I've come too far. For the past few months I've been on youtube, fotki, and other blogs looking for inspiration and tips on the transitioning journey, during the big chop and what to do after I'm 100% natural, so I decided to open another blog just for my journey back.

I only have a few posts because I'm still getting the feel of that blog rather than only having this one. But I'm certainly trying to update it on the regular.

So I ask that if any naturals are following this blog right now, that you please follow my other one so that I can stay more connected with you and receive tips from ya. :)

I already know that TreenBean. at Juniper's Own. is a follower and is also natural. I'm also aware of one more natural who I follow, Sewing Stardom, & I just lovvve her!

Click here for my natural blog, Natural Beautie. 

It's not much now but I'm working on it. I promise. :)

Next read; Eat Pray Love

I've been wanting to read this for years. Yes. Years. Okay maybe not that long. Perhaps it has been though. Hmm...

It's basically a travel journal through Italy, India, and Indonesia, three places I wouldn't mind packing my things for. I need foreign countries to be anonymous in and be any-who I please. No one would know my past, what school's I went to, who my friends are, or the fact that I'm addicted to sour gummie worms. The only way someone foreign, or new, can judge me by, is the words that come out of my mouth, the actions my body portrays, and everything in between. If I wanted to, I bet I could be some funky artist chick who ran away from home at sixteen because my parents didn't approve of the things I was passionate about, so I ran to this city two years later to find people who can appreciate my art, or I could be some snobby rich kid who took all of daddy's money to get to where ever I am just to spend more of it.I'm not sure I would like to be either of those people but  I could certainly be if I wanted to. Right? 

If I were to pack my things now and head to those places, I'd probably keep  it simple and let them know that I'm just an American girl who needed a place to hide. After asking for the nearest hotel I would then ask if somewhere in that enticing city, sour gummie worms were sold.

“I want to hear a poem where ideas kiss similes so deeply that metaphors get jealous.

Where the subject matters so much that adjectives start holding pronoun rallies at city hall.”

- Steve Coleman. Def Poet

"Don't think that I'm pushing you away when you're the one that I've kept closest."

“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.”

—	Oscar Wilde

You know that tired adage "write what you know"?

It’s utter crap. Forget it.
At the very least, outgrow it.
Write what you want to know.
Confront the questions and puzzles and secrets and I-wonder-hows and what-ifs that itch at the back of your brain late at night, and make up the answers. Just make them up. Then write the living fuck out of them.

(via delgrosso)

made you look.

 

Diggy - Made you look Freestyle (Flow Stoopid) from Diggy Simmons on Vimeo.

Daannnggggg!

He straight killed it!

I don't even know what else to say.

Poor JoJo. smh.

call me crazy...

I actually love these Nike Gladiator sandals.They go for $80 a pop.

I think they are great for me since I love Nike's & I also love sandals!

Perfect because springgg & summer is near! Yesss!

& the fact that Nike's women's spring collection suckks,

so I gotta get my Nike's some way.

I doubt I'll get them though I'm certainly considering it.
Leaning more towards the white and gold ones.

Ta Ta loves.

Grad Gift!

I need this x32864!!!

↓ Click for ↓

Failure!

Sometimes I have words floating around in my head.
Those little words form thoughts and ideas.
And just as soon as they come, they go.

I close my eyes tight so they won't escape.
I try to write them all down,
But they don't come out the right way.

One day all those words floating around in my head
Will be captured just as pure as I felt them
And that will be the day, they come out right.

perfecto.

 Do you see that flyy jacket she has on??

I've been looking for it for so long!

(pshh. like I can afford it)

One reason I love it is because it reminds me of Keith Haring.
The other one is because, LOOK AT IT FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

That picture of Rihanna was taken about a year ago
& it's ironic how the zebra themed room in the "Rude Boy" video was based off of this very design,
which is actually quite popular.

The Schott x Jeremy Scott "Perfecto" leather jacket runs for $2,700!!

It's still bangin!

all bang'd up!

I've been getting really sick of my hair being pulled back. I hate it! I feel unattractive because from the front view it looks as though there's no hair there. Well when you're standing in the mirror looking at yourself dead on I guess I would feel like so. Ever since I've been transitioning to be natural aka relaxer free, I've been getting supaaa lazy with my hair since there's two different textures and detangling is a biaaa! So now I just wash it and throw it back. Slicked back buns are all I do and I'm getting so bored with it. I used to curl my hair with flexi rods but once again I had gotten lazy. So now it's back on a daily basis. I do enjoy the waves I must admit. The fellas need to step their wave game up and be afraid of me! Lol.

So my beloved bangs are back. I used to have my bangs with any hair style. Bun, barrett, pony tail...I couldn't stand not having my lil swoop. I'm not even sure if it's a bang for real. I just call it that because it's shorter than the rest of my hair. Well I suppose they're the wispy bangs. :)

BTW- This does NOT look like me & disregard the funny face. Baha.

& I also should have probably put this on my hair blog...

bet.

i bet you think this BLOG is about you....doonn't you?...doonn't you?

YOU’RE SO VAIN.

(clever&cute.)

changes.

While at Goodwill with my mama I picked something up that I really liked to the point where I was already coming up with potential outfits in my head. She saw it, looked at me and said "That's not you." Little does she know I'm not the person she thinks I am nor have I ever been. And if by chance I was the person she thought I was. I'm no longer that person.

I put it back.

If all else has changed, my lack of self-assurance hasn't.

ANYWHO, I DID GET OTHER REALLY GREAT THINGS!

PICTURES UP SOON! :)

If I could teach the world one lesson...

One day I got really irritated and lost all patients that people have the audacity to walk on the left side of the sidewalk, go through the left side of the door, and walk down (or up) the stairs on the left side. It's common sense to me to walk on the right side, it's like driving, right? I told myself "If I could teach the world one lesson, it would be to walk on the right side." But then I started thinking a lot more about it and realized that there are other lessons that should be taught, I'll leave that one to someone else.

I would probably teach the world that it doesn't hurt to lend a helping hand. You won't suddenly die, I promise, nor does it hurt even the slightest. I'm actually pretty positive it would make you feel better. Having the mindset that one should give in order to receive or one should expect something in return is quite narcissistic. I don't mean you have to run out and try to save the world by cleaning out your bank account trying to feed all of the children, obviously I'm exaggerating, but my point being, you don't have to do much to help anyone out. The simplest task of helping someone gather their things after dropping them, covering the five dollars the stranger in front of you at the grocery store came short of, or even holding the door open for someone can make a difference. Actually, I would like to broaden the lesson. I would teach graciousness, compassion, and sincerity. All of which can go a long way. Too often we under estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring...all of which have the potential to turn a life around. Of all the lessons that could possibly be taught...I'll go for this one.

What one lesson would you teach the world?

Stay true to your heart♥

“I’m just a soul whose intentions are good, oh Lord,
please don’t let me be misunderstood.”

He prayeth well, who loveth well Both man and bird and beast.

He prayeth best, who loveth best
All things both great and small ;
For the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all.

let me hold your hand.

"Yeah I tell you something

I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand

Oh please say to me
Just let me be your man
& please say to me
You'll let me hold your hand

& when I touch you I feel happy inside
It's such a feeling that my love, I can't hide"

respect the 'stache.

I'm not as lame as yall thought.

I told ya, "All the cool kids are doing it!"