Don't mind me, just passing by. (Updates, rants, and stretch marks.]

I feel like writing my little heart out. I feel it, I know it's there but I just can't. I've been sitting here for hours wanting to write. About anything, everything. Every now and then when this happens, I just decided to let my fingers lead me. So here I am.

I'm starting to get that empty and lost feeling again. I try from the depths of my soul not to let deary emotions as such deluge me entirely. I'm getting better at it now. Better at dealing with this tug of war inside of me intead of letting it become apart of who I am.

"Do you feel happy because you're free or free because you're happy?"

I'm doing better on an effort to become healthier. I'm not unhealthy, I've never been. But I have been am out of shape. There's certainly a difference between the two. I'm increasing my calcium intake, lowering my sodium, and drinking more water. I now take supplements for hair, skin and nails, calcium for strong bones, and biotin. I'm going to start stretching everyday. I seriously want my flexibility back.

I would talk about Jalen but...

Actually I will. We don't argue a lot. Every now and then something comes up and within a few days it's a done deal. Now I've figured out why we don't argue or disagree too often. I don't tell him when I'm upset with him and vice versa. Sometimes we can tell but in actuality, we both hide our emotions of one another really well. I'm not comparing him to Jeremy but the reason why I think he feels we're closer is because Jeremy talks and talks and talks. He tells me every little thing. Like what happened at work about the lady on the toliet and exactly where he's going even when I don't ask. We just talk. Ugghhhh. Let me stop bitchin'.

Nope, not done. We're wasting time. I feel like college is the only excuse we'll have and that's a reason I can't wait to go. I can't wait to cut my phone off because that's a reason. But then a-fucking-gain it's not. It's been 11 months and things we're better then than they are now. This is so stupid. He won't get it. He wont understand. Or maybe I'm the one that's blowing things out of proportion. On his end, everything may be perfection. On my end I feel like everything's crumbling right before my eyes. I don't have any reassurance. None whatsoever. I'm in the dark. He doesn't really call. I've called everyday for the past 3 or 4 days. Nothing. I'm tired. I tried of stressing over this relationship but I need it. Yes, I need it. I don't want anything more than this relationship to work. There are so many things I want to say and pour my heart out to him about but I just know I can't. Not because of him but because of me. We're seriously the slowest progressing couple ever. I feel like we've been together 3 months. Lol. I don't know maybe it's a good thing. We still have a lot to know and learn about each other. I sure as hell know he has a lot more to know about me...well sorta. He knows a lot already. I surprises me sometimes just how well he knows me. It's kinda scary. He may know me better than I know myself...

My family and I are doing better, well at least my mama and I. I never told you all what went down but it was probably one of the worst family problems I've ever had. We're past it.

I've been looking at my stretch marks a lot lately. They're everywhere; boobies and thighs. How??! I don't know. I hate them though. I remember last year when I was getting a swimsuit, I was so focused on my stretch marks I couldn't even enjoy shopping. Which is sad because I love shopping but I actually don't enjoy it a lot. I hate shopping with people. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I don't have fun. I'll pretend to shop but I won't really look at anything nor buy anything. I guess that's why I enjoy shopping online. except the shipping and handling.

I need a car so I can go shopping all by myself. I can't beause I always need a ride.

I think this is the longest post I've ever written. And what the hell is it about?? Nothing!

I'm sure none of you will read it but that's cool. I ain't writing for you. This is my damn blog!

By the way- excuse my typos and spelling and such. If you would like, make a game out of it to point all of my flaws out and let me know. I don't mind.

It's 12.23 am.

Goodnight.